Welcome to my Life - Complete Story

Chapter 1

Linnea’s POV

 “Mooooooom!”

“What is it, love?” looking up from my computer, I find Jannis jumping in the doorway with his rubber boots in his hands. “What is it, love?” I repeat softly because he is still jumping and close to tears.

“I… I wanna…go outside!” pointing at the window that gives a nice example of a perfectly grey and rainy autumn day, he nods frantically.

“Well, ask your father then.” I move a little in my seat. “Mommy’s got some stuff to do today and I really wanna finish it, you understand?”

The facial expression of my four year old changes from surprised into my favourite: The BIG frown.

“But Daddy’s with Julie, he told me to ask YOU!” the little index finger rises, reproachfully pointing at me.

Sighing I get up, massaging my growing belly. Damn, soon we will have three kids in the house! How on earth am I supposed to manage that?

“Hun?” I yell over to the living room, taking Jannis’ hand to take him along.

He looks up from the floor where he is sitting, playing with Julie, our two year old daughter. “Hm?” he mumbles back at me, repeatedly kissing the giraffe his daughter is pressing to his mouth.

“Can you please take them outside?” I ask, putting all my female “I am so exhausted and neeeeeed to finish something” into my look.

He surrenders instantly, sighing lowly. “Yah, right, will do.” Flashing a look at the window and the foggy sky, he sighs again before he gets up, pulling Julie with him. “Come on you guys, Mommy needs a break! Let’s got to the playground.”

The double cheering is almost deafening and I sneak back into my study, more than willing to catch my little window of opportunity.

Back at my desk I stare at the empty white screen. How do I begin? What is the first word in my little “story of my life” or maybe rather “story of our life”?

Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes.

It is 2015 now. And I had met Nicky for the first time in 2011…

The morning was dark and cold. London, well…

Rushing along the empty streets, I wrapped my arms around the little bundle that was attached to my chest. Jannis had not been well during the night and of course and as usual I hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep with the crying four month old by my side. Now, at half past fife in the morning, I was again late for my shift at “Jon’s”, the little diner I worked at. Most probably Jon would be mad by now, today I had half an hour delay. Well, he was my friend, most probably he would take Jannis in his arms and forget about everything when he saw the sweet little face of my son.

Walking around a corner, I tripped and almost fell down onto the wet ground. Damn bin-liners everywhere! I cursed lowly, regaining my balance. Who on earth would place a damn garbage bag right behind a corner? Attempting to kick the bag away, I stopped short when I suddenly heard a low noise, the bag moving all of a sudden.

Double damn. He was most probably wet to the core, his jeans and shirt – was he actually wearing a SHIRT in the middle of November??? – dark from the rain.

“Sir?” carefully I bent over a little. “Sir, are you alright?”

He looked up at me, his eyes red from booze.

“What the fuck?” he managed to mumble with his teeth chattering behind his ice cold lips that already had a pretty unpleasant blue colour.

“D’you need help?” I had moved away a few steps, he smelled bad and I even saw vomit on his wet shirt. Slowly I took another step, looking down the street. Jon would be so mad by now! And I was standing here, helping a drunkard because my newly developed Mommy-hormones made me as soft as silk. Damn!

“Sir, I work at “Jon’s” right over there, can I maybe get you some coffee or try to find a dry shirt for you?” I offered, moving backwards when he suddenly got up from the floor, reaching out his hands in my direction as if he wanted help. Quickly I wrapped my arm around Jannis, warningly raising my free hand.

“Don’t come any closer!”

He stared at me surprised, lowering his hands. “I won’t.” Shivering he wrapped his arms around his chest. “I… seems I… I’m sorry, Miss… Mrs…”

“Linnea.” I cut him short, looking him over again. Somehow this guy looked familiar, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Even though he looked like shit and was completely hangovered, I couldn’t deny that he was handsome, even attractive with his blond hair and his facial features that seemed to be perfectly symmetric in a weird way that made me stare at him, all of a sudden mesmerized by his incredibly blue eyes. Hui! Quickly I took three steps back. Damn hormones! When would I finally be me again?

Suddenly he snorted. “Well then, wanna take a picture?” he asked sarcastically, hunkering down. “Do as you please. Nicky Byrne, completely drunk, in the dirt. Perfect!”

Wow. I felt my mouth drop open. Nicky Byrne indeed! If you are living in the UK, you can’t get around the tabloids and damn, they were full of THEM these days. Westlife, the big breakup. The “amicably” decided breakup. Well… Byrne had been in the gossip news the most because of his wife that had left him only a few weeks before the band’s end. They had always been the perfect couple and – according to the press – she had been fed up with it and with him and now lived with her family again, dating a local politician. And I had right now sitting in the dirt the remains of Nicky Byrne, handsome, sexy, funny Nicky… well… not anymore.

“Come on, let’s go.” I beckoned him over. “My boss is waiting for me and you definitely need some dry clothes and a breakfast.”

Cocking his eyebrow he stared up at me, running his fingers over his face. “I don’t have my wallet.” He mumbled back, still sitting in the puddle he had slept in.

“It’s on me. Now come on, otherwise there might be someone passing with a smartphone or a camera. I got neither and offer you breakfast. What’s your answer?”

Still sitting on the ground he buried his face in his hands.

“Yes?” he ask-answered.

“Then get yer arse up, Mr Byrne.”

Jon was indeed mad at me. But only a little. It had been a quiet but long night with a private birthday party and he had decided to sleep in one of the backrooms of the bar after closing. He looked at me as if I was a crazy person when I asked him for some dry clothes for the soaking wet Nicky Byrne that was standing in the doorway, shivering.

“Well, well…” he gave me the famous “Jon-look” with his big hands placed on the counter in front of him. “Since when did you start finding new friends in the dregs?” looking Nicky over, he signalised him to close to door and come closer. “Lin, you got a big heart and I love you for it, but…”

I walked behind the counter, putting my hand on his arm. “Jon, please.” Looking up at my tall friend, I squeezed his fingers. “This is only half the story. Meet Nicky Byrne from Westlife, he needs dry clothes and some food, doesn’t have his wallet and needs some privacy from the media until he feels and looks a little better.” I gave Nicky a grin.

Jon rolled his eyes, beckoning Nicky over. “Welcome at Jon’s, Mr Byrne.” He said ironically. “It is not the Waldorf Astoria, but you’ll have to cope with that.” Giving me another stern look, he pulled Nicky along. “Table three.” He pointed ahead. “And ask Lou if he needs anything more.”

Now who was having a big heart? Smiling I walked over to the couple at table three, taking their orders. Only 15 minutes later Nicky was back, wearing some of Jon’s old janitor pants and a big brown pullover. I had told Damien in the kitchen that I needed some hangover-breakfast and strong coffee and as usual D was quick.

“Bon appetite.” I placed the tray in front of Nicky at the counter, swaying Jannis that started to get a little twitchy in his wraparound garment. It was after six by now and the place started to fill with working people that needed a snack on their ways to the subway or bus station only 200 metres from Jon’s. Breathing a sigh of relief I waved at Cate, the new waitress for the morning shift. Finally Jon would take Jannis and bring him home before he took him to the daycare at nine. It was so much easier to serve and run around without the baby. Cate gave me a quick hug and kissed Jannis’ head before she took her apron and signalised me that I could take a break.

I threw a gaze around. Everything looked fine, Cate would manage the diner on her own for a few breastfeeding-minutes. My eyes stopped at the bar where Nicky was still sitting, picking on his breakfast. He had been eating slowly, most probably he still felt sick but he looked a lot better now. Quickly I went over to him, refilling his cup. “I’ll be back in a few minutes, if there’s anything you need, feel free to ask Cate over there.” I pointed at my friend, giving Nicky a smile before I went into one of the backrooms.

Jon was waiting at the counter and I handed Jannis over to him about 20 minutes later. “Highly pleased, full and changed.” I kissed the baby and Jon’s cheek. “See you two at four!”

“Still some milk in the fridge?” Jon asked – by now pretty experienced – and I gave him a hug.

“Some’s left from yesterday and there’s also some formula if you need more.”

My good friend frowned. “Formula?” he asked as if I had instructed him to bottle cat pee and give it to the baby. “No way! Most probably I will be awake so we will just come by for the feeding.”

Surprised I stepped back. “Don’t you wanna take him to the daycare and get some sleep?”

“I got some.” Jon smiled broadly, rocking Jannis on his arm. “I’d rather have a little men’s-day with my little pal.”

“Alright.” I returned his smile. “Come back any time, okay?”

“Yes, Mum.” He bent down to kiss my cheek, waving Cate goodbye.

Soon I was running again, serving coffee and food, laughing along with Cate that kept me amused with stories about her new boyfriend. Inwardly I sighed. New love was always bright and shiny and sparkling and pink from top to toe. I really missed it.

All of a sudden someone tapped my arm and I turned around. “Everything alright?” I asked Nicky that was stepping from one foot to the other, playing with the long sleeves of Jon’s pullover.

He smiled, almost shyly, and nodded. “Thanks again so much for picking me up and helping me out.” He mumbled with his cheeks blushed.

“No problem.” I signalized Lou at his usual corner table by the window that I would be with him in a second, turning back at Nicky with a smile. “Have a good day, alright?”

“I… hum… would…” humming and hawing he stared down at his feet. “I wanna pay you back.” He suddenly blurted out, nodding and kneading his fingers.

“Don’t be ridiculous!” I shook my head no, giving nervous old Lou another gesture with my free hand. “What’s ten bucks? Really, it’s fine! I just wanted to help you, ok? Call it Karma.” I passed by him, grabbing a few cookies for Lou from the big glasses on the counter. “Have a good day, Mr Byrne.”

“Thanks…”

“Linnea.” I gave him another smile. “Linnea. And you are welcome.” With that I shooed him outside, ready to face another disquisition on black people and slavery from Lou that was indeed black and had a grandfather that had actually been a slave on a farm in the US. I liked the old man with his grey hair and the big glasses. He came every day to have coffee and cookies from 5 to 9. Damien had started baking a special kind with almonds and dark chocolate especially for him but they had become our new fast-seller and Lou got them for free from now on. A little lifetime appointment as a thank you from Jon.

“Here you go, dear.” I handed the plate over to him. “Anything else for you today?”

Lou smiled and shook his grey head, his wrinkled hands already reaching for one of the cookies. “What a sweet new boyfriend you got, lovey!”

I followed his gaze to the door that had just closed after Nicky and burst into laughter. “Well, Lou, you are not as keen-witted as you think! I got my boy, that’s all I need.”

“Don’t you be so sure, little lady!” Lou laughed along with me. “And now get an old man another cup of tea.”

Chapter 2

Nicky’s POV

Walking along the fully crowded streets I tried to make sense of the last 24 hours. It was a cold November day and even though the breakfast had helped and the clothes I wore were dry, I felt a block of ice somewhere deep inside of me. I could have died out there last night. Maybe it was a wakeup-call for me. Gazing along the street I wanted to wave for a cab but lowered my hand immediately. Right. No wallet, no money, no cab. Sighing I pulled the hood of the huge pullover over my head.

What exactly had happened to me last night? It had been an ordinary night out, the usual since Kim had left me and even took my kids away from me. A drunken night out and to be honest I didn’t remember much of it.

While walking, some scenes occurred on my mind. It felt like a picture in picture function of a TV with wrong settings and I knew that the order wasn’t accurate but anyway, those little spots of my night were enough to let a rush of shame run through me. Damn! I had been shot, completely rat-arsed and boozed enough to even have some pills…. That chick… she had given them to me. A small brunette with weird greenish eyes, lenses most probably. We had made out and… Hell, I didn’t even remember it properly!

“Fuck!” rubbing my eyes, I walked a little faster as if I could by that leave everything behind. Booze, drugs, meaningless sex, being robbed and picked up from the streets, almost rescued.

Her name came to my mind. Linnea. Her smile. Her affection and well, at least in my case, her altruism and kindness. Damn, that Jon guy was a lucky bastard with her and the sweet little boy.

My whole way home – a long one – felt like a walk of shame, self-pity and self-reproach. And when I finally got to the building I had lived in for the last six months without my family, I also realised I didn’t have my keys. Torn between yelling, throwing up and by now also crying, I rang for my neighbours to open the door and help me out with their phone. After the first four rejections and some yelling through the intercom system of the house – obviously my neighbours didn’t know me – I found a man two floors below my apartment that agreed to let me in and also allowed me to use his phone to call a locksmith. Finally I was on my way out of misery.

Greg Brown, the first neighbour I got to know, sympathetically patted my back when I told him half the truth (sweet girl, drugs in my drink, robbed). Well, no one needed to know that I had caused almost the whole shit myself, everything but the thievery, and the sympathy felt nice.

I sank down on my armchair when the locksmith had left at last. Summary of the night. Wallet. Stolen. Brandnew blackberry with phone numbers of various bands, celebrities, football players and politicians. Stolen. Keys. Stolen.

My self-esteem… bashed.

Feeling of self-respect… none.

Sighing I got up after a few minutes. I had to call the bank and needed my accounts blocked. And I had to talk to the owner of the house to get the lock changed because of my stolen keys. How much I hated paperwork and facing people with my stupidity!

Especially now in this shitty new place where I had no idea how to find anything of importance! I lived here, well, more or less, but I hadn’t moved in properly and instead of pictures on the walls I still had paper boxes piled and stacked everywhere. It would take a while to find all the papers for the bank but I had no choice but to accept my fate and finally bring some order and tidiness to this place.

Turning on the radio I kneeled down to search the first box I had placed on the floor of the living room. ‘Welcome to my life, you see it is not eeeeeeasy, but I’m doing aaaaaalright...’ Sounded from my huge speakers and I couldn’t help chuckling. Those damn Scandinavian bastards! Perfect song. Welcome to my wonderland of shit! Humming along with it, I rummaged around the room, deciding to get one of their CD’s for my self-pity-times.  

Even though my hands were fully occupied, my thoughts went back to Linnea again and again. Her baby, Jannis, he was so little but still that woman was out on the streets before six to get to work. Damn, she was so nice and strong and confident. She knew her ways through life, even with a baby.

When I had eventually found all my papers and blocked my bank account, everything I could think of was her. During the last hours of searching and cleaning I had almost glorified the young woman, starting to remind myself that she was only a nice person not some angel or God-sent fairy. Most probably it was my hangover or some aftershock of those roofies or whatever-pills that turned me upside down.

I took a long shower but it didn’t help me to clear my head. It was four in the afternoon and dark already but I didn’t care. I had to see her and thank her and ask her out and… standing in the doorway with my jacket in my hands, I stopped short. Damn, what was wrong with me? She was a mother, she was in a relationship and most probably I had already made a complete idiot of myself this morning. So what was I up to now?

Putting the jacket on anyway, I went downstairs to grab a bite and maybe a beer.

How would I ever manage to get her out on my head again.

Chapter 3

Linnea’s POV

Jon came back at two for a little feeding time and I was glad that he was there because my breasts already felt like small watermelons and I even wet my shirt when I heard the baby cry outside the diner.

With a cup of coffee I sat down with Jon, letting Cate take over again. The place had been full for lunchtime and I congratulated Jon again for his ideas. When I had been here to visit him the first time years ago, Jon’s had been nothing but an old bar. But with his creativity and the help of a friend, Jon had turned the place from stinky and timeworn to almost stylish. He took care of the diner and café for the morning, lunchtime and also most of the afternoon. His friend Jamie came at four to take over and run the bar and snack-place for the night. It was a perfect arrangement, especially now with me and the baby around. It was great to have someone around to help me out at night and spend time with me and Jannis every day. And I tried my best as a waitress to keep Jon’s running.

Putting the baby on my other breast, I sighed with relief. Jon smiled down at me.

“Perfect timing?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely!” I smiled back. “So what are you guys up to next?”

“Well, we could stay and I’ll teach him how to prepare the best tea in town but most probably we’ll hit the road and do some grocery shopping for tonight’s dinner. How’s Mr Byrne?” he suddenly changed the subject, sounding teasingly.

I tried my best not to show any emotions. “Better I guess.” My voice sounded a little throaty, damn! He’d know it right away. Preparing for a good wave of sarcasm, I emptied my coffee, pulling Jannis closer.

Surprisingly it didn’t come. Instead Jon got up, taking our cups to put them into the dishwasher. “Maybe you should go out with him sometime.” He suddenly stated, making me snort. Here we go! Right. I was the perfect date for Mr I-get-every-girl-I-want. 30, waitress, single mother.

“Yah, right.” I nodded with a dreamy look on my face. “Maybe I should also ask Ashton Kutcher for a date, he’s divorced by now, right?” With another snort I rolled my eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous!”

“Well, he had an eye on you.” Jon insisted, tapping my back. “And there is no better way to get over someone!”

I looked up at him, feeling anger and frustration welling up. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.” Shaking my head I almost grabbed the baby to pull him even closer. “It is… it was too much to… everything was… it’s all…”

Jon had a worried look on his face when he suddenly stepped closer again, taking me in his arms.

“Alright, alright!” he whispered, kneeling down beside me. “No need to crack up, dear! I won’t start it again, okay? Just relax!”

Trying to breathe in and out and in and out, I closed my eyes. “I found him on the streets, completely rat-arsed, d’you really think that he would be a good catch?” I joked lamely, still feeling my guts churn. Damn, there were so many things to get over for me, but I didn’t dare opening Pandora’s Box. It was all perfectly locked away, fears, feelings, anger, disappointment, my whole broken heart and the aching in my soul and on my mind. It only came out at night sometimes. Unconsciously I wrapped my free arm tighter around Jon’s neck. He had been there for me for the last two months and I couldn’t thank him enough for holding me in my restless nights when bad dreams came haunting me. I was afflicted by doubts about my decisions, but that was something Jon couldn’t relieve me of. He could only be there for me, and he was. Closing my eyes again I rested my face close to his collarbone. One day. I would go out again, just for fun. Not dating, but going out. Maybe it wasn’t today. Maybe it wasn’t tomorrow, but I would.

Chapter 4

Nicky’s POV

I seriously thought about getting a job. Actually, when I came to think about it at first I almost laughed at myself. But during the one week I gave me until I could try to meet Linnea again at the diner (some women-magazines had somehow created this magical week and I intended to see it through), I actually started to look through some online job advertisements. I had the money and loads of time but I also needed activity, needed my hands and mind occupied.

It was a Thursday morning, the last day of my week of patience – if I had had a calendar I would have crossed or circled it – when I found a perfect job for me: a local radio station was looking for a new reporter, covering sports. Buhyah! I picked up the phone and my self-confidence couldn’t get much higher. I knew sports and wuhahu, I definitely knew talking!

“24/7-radio London, my name is Rosie Grbrwrhth.”

I didn’t get the whole name but that didn’t matter. “Rosie.” Smiling I bent forward, resting my elbows on the table. “This is Nicky Byrne speaking, I was wondering if that job for the sports reporter was still open.”

There was a short silence at the other end of the line and I grinned to myself. Blown off yer feet, babydoll?

“Alright, funny. Wanna line up behind George Clooney and Prince Harry? They also called this morning to ask me out.” She suddenly snapped at me. “If you are interested, we need a full CV, picture and also a cover letter from you.”

Now I was completely puzzled. “Alright.” I heard myself stutter. “But there’s not much to tell, I spent almost half my life as a member of Westlife.”

The young woman moaned, but not in a good way. “Jeez, just send your stuff.” She exhaled. “Responsible for that is Peter Forks, I assume you got the address. Now have a good day, Mr Filan.”

“Byrne, it’s…” but she had already hung up on me and I stared down at the phone in my hand. “Byrne.”

Wow! Welcome to real life. My Westlife-bonus seemed to diminish quickly.

Well, whatever, time for breakfast. Grinning I put on my good jacket – Hugo Boss, grey wool, chic, understatement, perfectly fitting – and checked my hair in the mirror on the corridor wall (finally I had bought one and attached it). Good looking, nicely smiling. Suddenly an idea came to my mind. Linnea was the most helpful person I had ever met, maybe I could make her help me with my job application and get her to spend some more time with me. The idea was forming so quickly that I almost rushed back into my bedroom, grabbing my laptop. Two birds killed with one stone! She would definitely sit down with me for a cup of coffee. We could talk and I could eventually show her that I wasn’t a drunken prick. Excitedly I put the laptop, cable and a note pad into my back pack, wrapping my scarf tighter around my neck. Mission “Meet the nice Nicky” was on!

Chapter 5

Linnea’s POV

My heart was pounding in a weird way when I saw him sitting at one of the small window tables. He was back. Nicky Byrne was back and Cate wouldn’t stop mocking me for hiding in the kitchen since he had entered the diner. Damn, why was I so nervous all of a sudden? He wasn’t even my type! Throwing another gaze through the small round kitchendoor-window, I started biting my nails. Blond, sunnyboy and this damn perfectly symmetric face with bright blue eyes. Not my type at all! But even so, my body seemed to react to him and after a few minutes I gave up hiding, running my fingers through my hair. Maybe he only wanted some coffee and a breakfast, I tried to tell myself. Surely he had not come back to see me, that was absurd!

“Hey.” The rest of my well planned sentence was caught in my throat when he looked up with his ocean blue eyes, his whole face lighting up in a perfect smile. Damn, even his teeth were too perfect. Not after my fancy at all but nevertheless I felt a stupid big smile spreading over my own facial features.

“Hey.” I repeated, lifting the empty tray. “Anything else for you?”

“Just ordered breakfast from Cate.” His smile became even brighter. “But maybe some cookies first…?” pointing at the counter, he shifted in his seat, looking down at his notepad and back up at me.

“Done.” I had followed his gaze a little curious. “What are you doing?” Suddenly escaped my mouth and I was about to apologize but he only smiled at me.

“I was looking for a job and they want a CV and everything.” Shrugging indifferently he scratched the back of his perfectly shaped head. “There’s not much to tell because of Westlife, d’you maybe have any idea what else I could write?”

“Sure.” I threw a look around, giving Cate the ‘may I have a quick break-sign’ and she nodded immediately with a toothy grin.

Putting the tray aside I sat down next to him to read his notes.

“Hmm… you…” leaning closer I rested my elbow on the table and took a pen. “Maybe you could…” I winced at the sudden nearness and the smell of his freshly showered skin that was unexpectedly close when he bent forward as well.

“I could…?” he turned his head slightly and I felt his warm breath on my face.

“What… what was your … your major task beside dancing and singing?” Pulling myself together I made a quick note. “Was there anything you took care off for the band?”

“Like what?” busily he played around with the zipper of his pullover.

“Like, dunno, the finances, did you take care of the booking of gigs, did you do anything concerning organization, marketing, stuff like that?”

He had spent my whole shift working on his job application and I couldn’t help smiling. I knew that he was a grown man of 34 but somehow he seemed far away from reality and almost like a child. Still smiling I leaned over his shoulder. “And?”

He looked up at me. “Looks good.” Proudly he pointed at the screen. “I think I will hand it in this afternoon.”

I read through the last paragraph he was working on, pointing at a spelling mistake before I patted his back. “Good job!” I complimented on his work, suddenly feeling ridiculous. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound snotty!”

“You didn’t.” He assured quickly and gave me a smile. “Your shift is over, right?” closing the laptop he got up. “I could walk you home if you like?”

I didn’t know what to say at first. “But I gotta go to the store and buy some groceries.”

“I’ll help you carry them.” He offered quickly, shouldering his backpack.

“Alright.” Hesitantly I returned his smile, feeling a rush of blood in my cheeks. Damn! I was a mature and experienced woman, how could he make me blush like a 12 year old by only offering to walk me home? Quickly I turned around, heading into the backrooms to grab my jacket and purse.

In an unexpected way we got along really well. He carried my groceries even though I had asked him to give one of the bags to me, and he was cracking so many jokes that I almost forgot to breath. Without even thinking about it, I asked him in for dinner but he only followed me to keep carrying my stuff for me, putting in down on the corridor of Jon’s flat. “Very well then.” He smiled broadly. “I’d better get going, my new job is waiting for me.”

“Good luck!” I softly jabbed him in the ribs. “Come by and tell me about the interview, alright?”

He nodded. “Will do.” Pulling the zipper of his pullover up, he stepped back. “What d’you say, we could go out on Friday and have dinner together.”

“Tomorrow’s Friday.” I bit my tongue. Damn, he had asked me out and I was stupid enough to be stupid. Be me. Damn.

He grinned at me but there was something else I saw in his eyes. Was he really nervous and almost worried about me saying “no”?

“Sure.” I tried to sound confident. “Any suggestions?”

“Well, we…” he fell silent. “I know this nice place down at Marble Square. Italian food. I really wanna take you there.”

“Valentino’s.” I nodded, completely electrified. “Supposed to be great!”

“Around 8?”

“8 it is.” I gave my best to force my lips to curve into a smile.

“I really wanna thank you and Jon for your help the other day. I could have died out there and you guys… well…” he shrugged diffidently. “I wanna thank you and… Jon and… well, make it up to you.”

“There is still no need, but right now I am completely starved and you are talking about Italian food that doesn’t make it any easier to be honest.”

He laughed along with me, taking another step back. “Alright, so… well, say hello to Jon, I’ll see you on Friday. Tomorrow.” Again he laughed. A beautiful and heart-warming sound that made my smile grow wider.

“See you!” I closed the door behind him, leaning against it to regain my breath. Puh! It was far too soon to go out with someone after everything I had been through during the last months but… well, it was Nicky Byrne, maybe Brad Pit was even farther out of my league, but Nicky was close behind.

Suddenly I realised something: He wanted to thank me… Me… hum… nervously I started biting my nails again. I hated the English word “you”. You, that could be me. And it could be me and Jon, you, plural. He had been talking about me AND Jon all the time. Had he now invited ME or US? Fucking damn stupid language! How I missed my German and Swedish and even Finnish now!

Picking the bags up from the floor I kicked my shoes away. “Hun?” I yelled over into the living room where I heard Jon playing with Jannis. “Can you translate some “you’s” for me?”

Jon had been 100% sure that all the “you’s” had actually been singular and so I let Cate drop me off at the restaurant at ten past 8. Actually we had been waiting a few streets ahead because she had told me that I was the princess and everybody had to wait for the princess. Something like that… I guess… It had been funny then.

But only a few seconds later I was slowly making my way through the entrée of the fancy Italian restaurant in a borrowed blue dress (perfectly fitting, Jon had assured me), a matching blue bag in my ice cold hands.

“Miss?” the brightly painted young woman behind the front desk looked me up and down.

“A friend of mine is waiting for me.” I squared my shoulders. “The name is Byrne.”

Her kohl-eyebrows jumped for a split second and she looked me over again. Thank you for showing every emotion on your face, sweetheart!

“Can we please accelerate the proceedings, I am a little late.” I tried to sound self-confident and very, very arrogant.

Again the facial expression of the red-white-green skin (red lips, white foundation, shining green eye-shadow) changed. “Of course.” Suddenly her pace sped up. “Please follow me. You are expected.”

I smiled sweetly. “Thank you.” I purred, following her through the restaurant.

He had seen me from afar, getting up immediately, adjusting his tie. Wow, a tie! He looked damn good in his légère grey suit and I was again thankful for Cate’s offer to borrow me a “real” dress.

Smiling he gave me a hug. “Wow, you look amazing!” shoving me away softly, he let his gaze travel over me again. “Did you really have a baby only some months ago?”

I couldn’t help giggling nervously. “It is borrowed.” I blurted out. “The dress, not the baby.” Feeling my cheeks turn purple I wished for the floor to open and swallow me but Nicky only laughed even harder, showing me to my seat, pulling it out for me.

“I thought so.” He said, sitting down opposite of me. “Where did you leave the rest of you?”

Again I flushed. “Damn.” I put my bag on the table, covering my pink face. “So “you” was indeed you, meaning all of us, right?” looking around me, I counted three place settings and a baby’s highchair.

Suddenly I felt his hands on mine, slowly pulling them down.

“I am so glad you got me wrong!” he grinned meekly. “I… honestly, I wanted to invite you and only you but my mouth somehow disconnected from my brain and I started talking and talking… and when I got home I almost bit my own arse because I knew that I had invited your whole family instead of asking you for a date.”

Still my hands were in his and somehow it felt very, very good. I tried to brace myself.

“So right now everybody is happy, right?” I grinned at him, nodding at the menu. “We should have a drink, what d’you say?”

He seemed surprised. “You can drink?”

“Of course!” I squeezed his fingers. “I spent two hours pumping milk, I almost felt like a high efficiency cow! I will drink and have a date tonight.”

Letting go of one of my hands, he waved for the waiter. “Champagne.” He simply said, smiling at me.

The dinner was great and my pasta turned out to be exquisite. And so was the wine we shared. Dark, heavy and red. We had ordered desert when Nicky suddenly changed the topic. We had been talking about everything and nothing, tipsily laughing along with each other. All of a sudden he seemed to become a little more serious, bending forward in my direction.

“So, how long have you two been together?”

I had put my glass on my lips, lowering it astound. “Together?” I asked surprised.   

“You and Jon.” He helpfully gave my memories a little nudge, making me burst into laughter.

“Me and JON?” I giggled, putting my hand over my lips.

He looked at me confused. “You… you are not…?”

“Nooo!” again I felt giggling-bubbles in my stomach. Damn wine! I had not been drinking for almost one and a half years, of course I was drunk within the twinkle of an eye!

“Jon’s my friend.”

“But… the baby!” Nicky looked really stupid when he was baffled and the bubbles burst out. I threw my head back, laughing.

“Not his.” I chuckled, trying to pull myself together. The topic wasn’t funny! Well, right now it really was. With a lot wine swirling in my mind, tickling my senses and damping down all the bad feelings.

“Jon is my friend.” I tried to sound reasonable. “We have been friends for many years and I moved in with him two months ago with Jannis.”

“Wow, I… alright, so… but Jannis’ father, he…”

“Not in our lives anymore.”

“What happened?” he persisted, refilling my glass but I stopped when the glass was only half full.

“Slowly!” I said, feeling my voice shaking all of a sudden. Damn. Wine, hormones and memories. Right at that second I hated being a woman.

“So…?” he tried again, cocking his head.

Sighing I gave in, leaning back with my glass in my hands. “You know that I am from Sweden.” I started gradually to gather myself. He nodded, his eyes never leaving mine.

“And for my studies I had moved to Helsinki for a few years.”

“Studies?” the word obviously pricked his ears up and I smiled weakly.

“Studies.” I repeated. “They have a great school for economics and business administration. A Swedish one. I lived there for almost four years and earned my degree.” Looking up from my glass I managed to grin. “What? Did you think that being a waitress was my favourite job in the world and I knew nothing else?”

He blushed a little, obviously I had hit on the point. “So you are actually…?”

“Well, the correct title would be Masters of Economics and Business Administration.”

Cocking his head again, he took my hand, playing around with my fingers.

“Madame, I completely underestimated you!”

I snorted. “Well…” I drawled, sipping my wine again. “It’s not a big deal!”

“What happened then?”

“Then…” I took a deep breath before I picked up where I had left off. “Jannis’ father, he… well, he is from Finland and we… we met and… well, it is a long story.”

“Tell me about it!” he insisted but I slowly shook my head.

“You don’t wanna hear all that! And I don’t wanna talk about it either!”

“Maybe it would help you.” He insisted again, softly squeezing my fingers. “So? Your Finnish sweetheart?”

Again it took me a few deep breaths to start talking. “Actually he is the reason why I never ever wanted to date a member of a band again.” I gave Nicky an ironical smile.

He nodded slowly and I saw that it was working in his perfectly shaped face. “So you had an affair and he… he literally knocked you up and… and ran off??”

“What?” a little irritated I looked at him. “No, it was more than that.” I sighed. “Damn, Nicky, d’you really wanna hear all that?”

“I asked about it! Who is he?” his grip around my fingers tightened. “Come on, tell me!”

“He is a guitarist of a band.” Staring down at our hands, I shook my head. “This sounds so stupid!”

“It doesn’t!” he assured. “Spill it!”

Weakly I giggled. “I was at a concert with a friend. In Helsinki. And they… they had this supporting act. Somewhere during the concert I realised that I knew one of them… We… we had been in school together back in Stockholm and so me and Jenna, my friend, waited for them after their gig. They weren’t famous and we knew that everybody would be waiting for the main act instead of leaving the concert hall and wait on the corridor.” I shrugged and couldn’t help smiling. “Karl indeed recognized me and we made plans to meet up after the concert and have some drinks.”

“Karl.” Nicky repeated. “So his name is Karl?”

“Karl-Ola.”

He burst into laughter. “Your poor child’s father’s name is Karl-Ola, you are kidding, right? OLA?”

I laughed along with him and shook my head. “It is not, I told you, it is a long story!”

“Then go on!” again he refilled our glasses but this time I didn’t stop him.

“Well…” I took a deep swing. “We went to a bar later that night and there I met Jannis’ father.”

Again Nicky looked at me confused. “But you said he was a guitarist.”

“He is. The guitarist of the main act. We just met and… pow!” I helplessly gestured with my free hand. “Pow.”

“Pow?”

“Yes, pow.” I sighed.

“Jannis must look a lot like him.” He suddenly stated, making me look up again.

“What d’you mean?”

“Well, he doesn’t look like you at all. Messy hair, big nose.” He grinned. “Does his daddy look like that?”

I chuckled dryly. “Well, kind of.”

“And what happened after the first pow?”

“Later that night, I took him home and… well…” taking another deep swing from my glass I averted my face. “You know.”

“You made a baby, I know.”

“Nicky!” I slapped his arm, still unable to look into his eyes. “I wanna say “you have no idea how hard it is to find your soul mate in a member of a band”, but I guess you know exactly how it feels.” Eventually I looked up again. “Only the other way around, right?”

Chapter 6

Nicky’s POV

I was completely taken aback. Her story, the pow, soul mate. She had lost her soul mate? Well, I had certainly lost mine when the mother of my children had left me with nothing but divorce papers. It took a few seconds to settle but then I smiled at her again.

“I think I do.” I said lowly, looking straight into her eyes.

This wasn’t about me and Kim. Not at all. Not anymore. It was about me and Linnea now and I had to know it, had to know the enemy, I needed a name for this soul mate-bastard.

“Who is he? Give me the band at least.”

She furrowed her dark brows. “Why d’you need to know all of that?”

I didn’t have a clue actually. Masochism?

I had no idea, so I simply constructed something: “I want you to get rid of it. There are so many things locked up inside of you and I want you to trust me and talk about it.” I heard myself say, holding my breath. Damn, I sounded stupid and cheesy!

But from the sudden sparkle in her eyes I could tell that I had hit the bull’s eye with my touchy-feely-woman’s-magazine-blabla.

“Alright.” She closed her eyes, almost emptying her wine in one big gulp. “You know Sunrise Avenue, right?”

Pow! Welcome to my life! Only a few days ago I had actually bought two of their CD’s. Now that was a slap in the face! Right away I had the picture of this big blond guy on my mind. Hell, he was handsome and tall and definitely every girl’s wet dream with his guitar and his deep voice!

“Mhm.” I managed to enunciate.

“The guitarist is Riku. He is Jannis’ father.”

“Quite a hulk, this soul mate of yours.” Slipped from my tongue and I caught her surprised gaze.

“Pardon me, what?”

“A hulk, big guy. Eye-candy. Girl’s dream.”

“Nicky!” suddenly she squeezed my fingers a little harder. “You asked about it, I told you. Now for the love of God, stop talking! Your mouth is again disconnected from your brain, give it some time to find the wireless again, alright?”

When I looked up at her, she had cocked her head. “And no, it is not the big blond guy. Samu is really nice but definitely not my cup of tea! Take a look at his right side, there’s another guy with a guitar, that’s him. Period. D’you hear me? Is your brain booted up again?”

I nodded slowly, a little grin raising the left corner of my mouth. The killer-gaze of the old Westlife-times, absolutely heartbeat-stopping, but Linnea only smiled back.

“Alright then.” Contentedly she bent over the table, offering her spoon with Tiramisu to me. “Forget about it, I am here, I’m not with him anymore, it’s irrelevant.”

She was right. I opened my mouth, letting her feed me. I knew she was right but instead of forgetting about it and letting go, the words kept echoing on my mind. Why had she left? Had he left her? What exactly had happened between the two of them?

I would google this guy as soon as I was back at home! In a self-destructive way I needed to see his face.

Soul mate.

The sweet desert was suddenly bitter in my mouth.

We went to a bar after our dinner, because Linnea had decided that she wasn’t in the mood to go home right away. I knew that I had rained on her parade with all my questions. Now that we were at it already, I even thought about asking for the whole story because I had never been able to handle girls in emotional states. Damn, there was Kim again, right back in my head. We had been together for so long, she had known all of this. And now I was standing there like a tenth-grader, waiting for my date to finish her call with the man she lived with and that took care of her child, desperately wanting to forget about everything she had just told me and simply kiss her. Now who was emotional? Damn! I grabbed her coat a little tighter, forcing a smile when she turned around.

“Jannis is deep asleep. You are the native, where are we heading?” she smiled, taking my hand after I had helped her slipping into her coat.

“Well,” I looked outside into the cold evening. “What would you prefer: A pub and beer, cocktails…” again I gave the going-out-situation around us a good thinking. “There is also a little bar not too far from here, it is nice, they often have live-music.”

“Nice!” she nodded immediately, grabbing my hand. “Let’s go there! Come on, I wanna buy you a drink.”

Later that night we took a cab together. She was still holding my hand, her head resting on my shoulder.

I can’t really tell how or who started it, but in front of her house we kissed. A long and good kiss and I found her smiling up at me when she eventually broke it.

“Good night.” She whispered with a smile, pecking my lips again before she carefully took the stairs up to the entrance door. With her keys in her hands she turned around again, giving me another smile. “I had a great time, Nicky, thank you!”

I took a small bow, grinning broadly. “Thank you Mylady. We should have breakfast together tomorrow, what d’you say?”

She broke into laughter. “Don’t you normally add ‘in bed’ now?”

I needed a second, then I laughed along with her. “Well, normally I would. But it seems that your bed is already filled with two guys, right?”

“Totally.” She blew a kiss at me. “I’ll see you at the diner. At ten?”

Waving like a toddler, I nodded. “See you then!”

                                           

She wasn’t at the diner at ten the next morning. Cate told me that Jannis was all of a sudden sick and in bed and that Linnea had to stay with him.

No breakfast out? Well, then I would bring it to her.

I had spent over an hour the night before, searching the internet for a clear photo of this Riku guy. There were many and I became more and more frustrated: no dirty linen. Passionate guitarist. Songwriter. Funny guy. Not too attractive maybe. Well, beauty was in the eye of the beholder and truth to be told, I was a little skinny myself… Damn. The only thing I found when I started digging deeper was a little note, only an aside in a magazine: A few shows of Sunrise Avenue had been cancelled, and for the last month Riku had been replaced by another guitarist due to vaguely defined health problems.

One second I felt like picking up the phone, calling her and everybody I knew to find out what exactly had happened to him. And to her. To them. Then I bit my tongue, swearing to myself that I would never open that subject ever again. I was completely torn.

Standing in front of her door I was still telling myself over and over again that I had to keep my big mouth shut.

She wore trainers, really old, navyblue ones. Her hair was a mess and her eyes tired. And she had never been more beautiful. Before I could start drooling and blurting out with something stupid, I lifted the shopping bags.

“Breakfast!” I announced, passing by the astounded young woman. She followed with Jannis up on her arm, offering help, but I shooed her away, pointing at a chair. “Sit down and wait!” I demanded, starting on my famous scrambled eggs (according to Kian fabulous). But I couldn’t help staring at Jannis secretly from time to time. Yep. The nose. The hair. This whole damn cute face. He was the spitting image of his father. And I didn’t know how to deal with it, what to say or do. Why couldn’t I simply let go?

The baby had fallen asleep on her lap when we sat together in the living room after a big warm eggs-sausage-cheese-and-bread-breakfast. Linnea sipped her coffee, resting her head against my shoulder.

“God, this was so good!” she whispered, smiling at me. “Thank you!”

“No problem.” I smiled back, still not really knowing what else to say. It was a peaceful moment and I snuggled closer to Linnea. It was all so quiet and cosy, and I felt myself getting more and more relaxed, listening to the sound of Jannis’ breathing.

“Can you prepare his milk?” Linnea suddenly whispered and I felt like waking up from a dream.

“Sure.” I whispered back, getting up carefully. “What d’you need?”

“There’s a little bottle in the fridge, just put it in the bottle warmer, I will change him and maybe we will manage to put him to bed.” Very slowly she got up as well.

We actually managed and passed with flying horses, standing on the corridor a little bashful when the little boy was asleep in his bed.

I was first to overcome my insecurity, bending over to softly kiss her lips. She moved closer, putting her arms around my neck immediately. Smiling I closed my eyes and took another half step towards her, pressing her back against the wall. Hell, this felt so good! Her unique smell was in my nose and she somehow tasted perfect. Like… what was it? Damn, it felt warm and save and perfect.

Suddenly she broke the kiss. “I should get a shower.” She whispered, avoiding eye contact.

I pulled her closer again, my lips finding hers. “I’m in.” I whispered against her mouth, making her look up at me astound.

“I…” she started, but I silenced her with another kiss.

“Come on, what d’you say, you fill the tub, I get the baby monitor and join you in a minute, alright?”

She ran her hands over my chest and neck, nodding slowly. “Are you sure about this?” again she caressed my neck, almost making me purr a little. “Because I am not.”

Smiling I kissed her lips. “Let’s give it a try.” I winked at her, acting a lot more confident than I was. In fact my heart was pounding in my throat when I leaned against the wall outside the bathroom, the baby monitor in my hand. Let go, let go, let go! I told myself like a mantra, listening to the sounds of running water and her steps. I had to let go of Kim now. And I had to forget about all my questions concerning her relationship.

Taking a deep breath I grabbed the door handle.

The winter outside was dark and rainy which made the bathroom and the candles Linnea had enlightened even more cosy. Sitting in the tub with a lot of foam and her hair swept up, Linnea looked at me. She was obviously as nervous as I was. But actually that fact made me a little more confident. I smiled at her, quickly pulling my pullover and T-shirt over my head.

“Don’t look!” I demanded jokingly when I opened my belt. She broke into laughter, turning her back towards me.

“Maybe we should have a few drinks to make this a little easier, what d’you say?”

I was fighting with my socks, almost loosing balance. “Good idea!” I agreed, quickly stepping closer from behind. In a weird way I truly didn’t want her to see me naked right away, so I stepped into the tub behind her, sitting down carefully. She suddenly turned around, giving me a smile. “Are you alright?” she asked, making me chuckle.

“Wow, you see right through me, don’t you?” bashfully I stared down at the white foam around us. Damn!

She chuckled lowly, lying back with a sigh. “Well, you seemed nervous as well.” Again she chuckled, poking me with her toe. “Look at us! I picked you up next to a garbage bin only a few days ago!”

“Quick progress, you’re right.” Running my hand over her shin, I leaned back as well. “But in the right direction!”

“Well…” she cocked her head. “I’m still not sure about this.”

“Why?” I bent forward a little, running my fingertips over her thighs. “Usually I don’t sleep in the dirt if that’s still bothering you!”

She squirmed under my touch. “I haven’t… well, I didn’t have THAT for a while.”

Grinning I kept playing with the soft skin of her inner thighs. “Let me guess, you didn’t do it for… well, about a year?”

She burst out laughing, obviously honestly surprised. “A year? Nicky, Jannis is four months old!”

I felt my ears burning and my face turning red. So? I didn’t get it. “Well, when my wife was pregnant, we… we didn’t…”I started, feeling really stupid. Well, at least she was laughing and seemed more and more relaxed. Even though the fun was on me.

“So tell me, when did you have your last sex?” I pushed forward to cover up my own insecurity.

“Well, Jannis was born on the 23 of July, that was a Saturday.” She calculated. “I think on Tuesday.”

“WHAT?” I stared at her, completely confused. “You are kidding, right?”

“I’m not!” she giggled, her cheeks blushing. “I thought that this was normal!”

“Definitely not!” I shook my head no. “Hell, how… how did you…” trying to picture her with a huge belly, I kept shaking my head. “Are you kidding me?”

“No!” she gestured with her hands. “I… I was on top.”

Looking at each other again we both burst into laughter. “God damn it, get those pictures out of my head!” I gasped, pulling her closer to kiss her. “Please!” I begged. “Can you at least try to replace them?” When I ran my hands down her spine and put my legs over hers, she suddenly broke the kiss and moved away.

“Listen I… Nicky, I’m sorry.” She looked at me, a little gloomy all of a sudden. “I need more time for this, I’m sorry.”

“D’you wanna talk about it?” I offered, making her grin weakly.

“Thanks for that but I’m afraid that there are a few things that… well, during the last months and also… also when… when I gave birth… damn.” She fell silent again but I was too curious to put that matter to rest again.

“Damn what?” I asked softly, pulling her closer to let her snuggle her face to my chest. “What happened to you?” My voice wasn’t more than a whisper and I kept stroking her back to comfort her.

She had told me things about the birth of her son I hadn’t even imagined in my wildest dreams. With Kim and the two c-sections everything had been fine, I hadn’t seen any blood, there was no screaming, not much pain, no drama. Only the baby within a few minutes.

Now she lay on my chest, sleeping and I ran my fingers over her spine that was still a little wet from sweat. Even though she had put a few more pictures of 40 hours of contractions, bad hospitals, a car crash during her labour and a lot of cracked skin and torn up flesh into my head, there had been no way for me to resist her anymore. It had felt right, it still did when I looked down at her tousled hair. Sighing I closed my eyes, wondering for a second if HE had been there for her during labour. I decided no. There had to be a snag in it! This soul mate bastard needed to have a dark side.

And if it only was for me to feel better about him.

Chapter 7

Linnea’s POV

Even a few weeks later I couldn’t really believe that I had actually done this. I was right now dating Nicky Byrne, former Westlife singer and definitely best looking man on the island. He seemed totally mad about me and I started to enjoy the first little blossoms of new love. Before I had met him, I had been stuck, totally trapped in my past and almost certain that I would never manage to get over everything that had happened between Riku and me. Nicky kept asking me about it but I always tried to avoid the subject. It had been hard enough for me to talk about Jannis’ birth and there was no need to destroy the sweet and soft new feelings that were between us now. When I had told him about labour and the complications and severe injuries that had almost been fatal for me and Jannis, I had been sure that he would be shocked enough to simply back off and maybe consider not seeing me again, but he was obviously a lot stronger than I had expected.

We had all spent Christmas at the diner together with Cate and her boyfriend Jake. Jamie and his family had joined us as well as some friends we had made through the years. But surprisingly it also didn’t feel awkward to spend New Year’s Eve alone with Nicky and Jannis. We prepared food and watched the fireworks from his apartment window with Janis sleeping on Nicky’s arm.

Hell, this handsome blond guy made me fall for him head over feet. And it felt good.

It was February already, all cold and foggy and grey but the sun came out for me when Nicky entered the diner. He had picked up Jannis at the day-care after the morning shift at the radio station he now actually worked in three times a week.

We sat together as usual, having a little snack before he took me and Jannis home. I had not agreed to move in with him when he had asked me at New Years. It had been tempting and his apartment was definitely big enough to fit me and Jannis in but I simply wasn’t ready for it. He understood as he always did, never wanting to push me into anything. From time to time he still made some comments about us living together, maybe buying a house somewhere, but I kept rejecting it as nicely as possible. Nicky was a wonderful man and he really seemed to love me a lot. He also took care of Jannis in such a sweet way that it almost made my heart ache.

But I couldn’t. The whole way was too much for me. And Nicky surprisingly accepted it.

“Linnea?” I hadn’t realised that he had been talking to me and snapped back into reality.

“I’m sorry!” I put my sandwich down, turning a little to look into his incredible eyes. “You were saying?”

He smiled, still giving little crumbs of bread to Jannis that by now had his first teeth and was happy to finally chew something. (My nipples weren’t too fond of it to be honest but that’s a different story.)

“I am on call this afternoon.” He said, grinning broadly. “I sound very important, don’t I?”

I couldn’t help giggling. “Indeed, Mr Reporter! What is this about, being ‘on call’?”

“Actually it is not a big deal. There is this interview I’m gonna have tomorrow and the…” suddenly he was interrupted by Cate who came running over to us from behind the counter.

“Phone call for you, Lin.” She seemed irritated, furrowing her brows.

I got up astound, exchanging a gaze with Nicky that kept eating and simply shrugged.

“Who is it?”

“He said he needed to talk to you right away.” Cate put her fingers on her temples. “Deep voice, accent. Sam… Sam… Samu, Samu that’s the name, he sounded urgent. He even…”

But I didn’t listen to her anymore. From my feet up a wave of coldness swept over me like icy water. Samu. Suddenly I felt like being sick. How on earth had he found me here?

“Lin? Babe, are you alright?” someone was shaking me, I heard Jannis cry and felt a hand on my cheek.

“Are you ok?” this time the voice was softer. Nicky.

I looked up into his blue eyes that were full of compassion.

“You want me to talk to him?” carefully he helped me up from the floor – the floor? Had I lost conscience for a second without even realising? – and made me sit down on my chair again, but I shook my head.

“I… no. I have to do this myself.” Cautiously I got up again, taking a deep breath. Get a grip! I told myself, cursing inwardly. We had basically been friends for years! Yet I had not talked to him since Riku had left. And I was scared and didn’t want to hear what he was about to tell me. Maybe he even put Riku on the phone. The mere thought of hearing his voice again made my vision blurry and I grabbed Nicky’s arm for support.

“It’s fine.” I repeated, my voice throaty and low. “I can do this.”

Hopefully I could. Like a sleepwalker I went over to the counter - had it always been so quiet in here? - , taking the phone.

“Hei.” I heard myself say. “Mitää kuuluu?”

He was breathing, I could tell, but apparently I had thrown him for a loop.

“How I am?” he said eventually and I almost saw him shaking his blond head. “Girl, d’you have any idea how long it took me to finally find you?”

Well that was easy, about five months? I didn’t say it but I had to bite my tongue so the words would not slip out. Again we fell silent for a few brief moments.

Then I heard him sigh. “Damn, Lin, I am so sorry.”

Pulling a chair closer, I sat down, putting my head in my hands. “Don’t be.” I replied lowly.

“How are you? How… how is the baby?”

“Jannis. His name is Jannis.” All of a sudden I felt anger boiling in my stomach, remembering a few things Riku had called him before he had left us. “We’re good, Samu, we’re doing well, no need to worry.”

“Actually it is not you I am worried about the most. You are by far the strongest woman I know.” Samu became silent but I didn’t feel like breaking the silence and stared down at the desk.

“Lin, did… have you talked to Riku?”

My hand clenched into a fist. “Since he walked out on my and that horrible thing that came out of me? No, I haven’t!” I snapped back. “And I won’t be talking about him either, just for your information! I am happy, I moved on and I would be really thankful if you could accept that and tell it to him as well if you feel the urge to do it.” Getting up from my chair again, I ran my fingers through my hair. “Thank you for calling and checking on us.” With that I hung up, trying to regain my breath. He didn’t deserve that but he had simply caught me off guard and this little scene was the best I could do despite breaking down crying and definitely needing to know that Riku was fine. I closed my eyes, putting my hands on the counter. Slowly my forehead followed and I just stood there for what felt like an eternity.

Chapter 8

Nicky’s POV

She kept standing at the counter, her whole body trembling. Was she crying? Concerned I got up but Jon put his hand on my shoulder.

“I’ll take this from here.” He said, the gaze of his blue eyes not allowing me to do anything but nod. I wanted to shake his hand off at first but he didn’t take no for an answer, simply shoving me aside.

For a second I only stood there rotten to the spot with Jannis in my arms, my gaze following the tall man that took Linnea outside on the corridor behind the counter. I had not planned it, but all of a sudden I knew that I had to follow them. She would never tell me the whole story and by now I was fed up with her vague hints and evasions. I needed to know it and maybe this was my only chance.  

Putting the baby into the arms of a surprised Cate, I got up on a chair. 

“There will be no orders taken for the next 20 Minutes, but the next round of anything you wanna order is on me! And I will personally take your orders at precisely  3.30.”

A short murmur went through the crowd then some started to laugh and even cheer. Well then, buy the crowd a beer and everything is fine! I got down from my stool, signalizing Cate not to whistle-blow and her eyes became round.

“You wanna lurk around?” she whispered, grabbing my arm.

“Cate…” I gave her one of my intense looks straight into her eyes. “I love her but… She will never tell me!”

All of a sudden Cate stepped back, rocking Jannis a little. “You’re right.” She admitted, returning my gaze. “You are one of the nice ones, Nicky. Come on, go.”

Thankfully I nodded, sneaking along the corridor only seconds later. The door of the backroom she normally used to change Jannis in was left ajar and I could hear Jon’s deep voice.

“Lin, you gotta stop doing this!” he sounded firm. “Fucking sit down and tell me the whole story! You’re not gonna leave this room until I know everything!” a chair was moved. “Sit down! SIT DOWN!” I heard him draw a breath. “And now spill it! And start at the beginning not at ‘he left me and the baby, can you help us?’, am I making myself clear?”

“Jeez, Jon, can’t you see how hard this is for me?” Linnea suddenly flared-up, but Jon simply cut her short.

“You owe this to me!” he insisted. “And truth to be told, you owe it to Nicky as well, he is a nice guy and he really cares about you!”

‘Thank you!’ I thought outside in the halflight, stepping closer.

“Jon!” Linnea moaned. “I know he is and I know you deserve to know this but…”

“No more but!” Jon stuck to his guns. “Go ahead, I’m listening.”

There fell a short silence, then Linnea sighed. “We met in March 2008. Riku, he… he had only started working with Sunrise Avenue and I met him at a bar after a concert. We… God, he… he was such a nice guy! I took him home later that night and… well. The next morning I woke up on my own, thinking that he had left after having some fun with me. I was a little sad to be honest, I had not expected him to sneak out after what actually had been the night of my life.” Linnea took a breath. “Well, I enter the kitchen in my worst nighty, all grumpy and cranky and there he sits, my one-night-stand, grinning at me with my house slippers on his feet, pointing at a fully set breakfast table. ‘I didn’t want to wake you up, but I was so hungry!’ he says, pulling me down on his lap. ‘Where on earth did you get this coconut-spread? It is the best thing I ever tasted!’” again Linnea sighed. “That’s how it started. A one-night-stand that turned into… well, I don’t know. It felt like he was meant for me. He was the one!”

“And then?” Jon asked calmly and I heard him pulling out another chair. 

At this point I had already thought about leaving. She had clearly set her heart on this guy and I wasn’t sure if I was actually strong enough to listen to her talking about another man in such a way. But somehow my feet didn’t move…

“Then.” Linnea sounded flannelly. “I kept studying and he was on tour. And whenever he was in Helsinki, he brought his suitcase and came from the airport to stay with me for as long as they were back.”

“So let me get this straight, hun, you were in a relationship with him and you were happy?”

“I was!” she affirmed. “And we were also happy when I got pregnant! He was so excited, he couldn’t wait!”

“But he left.”

“He… no we… God!” I heard Linnea getting up. “We made the stupid mistake of visiting my stupid crazy father in this stupid village in the stupid black forest in July. We had planned to leave sooner, but we had to stay with him for a few more days and I had not calculated it right and… I went into labour before we had the chance to get back to Helsinki.”

“Aaand?” Jon sounded surprised. “What’s the problem, it is Germany not Sudan! They must have hospitals there.”

“Well, they have.” She snapped at him. “But the only good one was about 50 miles away and the streets had been blocked due to heavy rainfall and a few huge landslips. They put me in an ambulance because the helicopter was out already. But somewhere along the way… We… I don’t remember much of it, but I remember being in an accident. The ambulance was… it slipped down some steep hillside and … God, it was rolling over and over and over.” Linnea shook her head and buried her face in her hands. “When I woke up, I was barely able to move. The paramedic had been killed during the crash, the driver died short after.” Still her face was buried in her hands and I felt sick all of a sudden. God, what a horrible situation! She had told me that giving birth had been hard but I had not had the slightest idea that she had most probably been alone in the woods after an accident!

“The door of the ambulance was missing, the whole car completely twisted.” Linnea continued with a lifeless voice. “I had a broken arm and the contractions became stronger but I couldn’t find Riku at first.” Sobbing she broke off. “When I finally managed to get out of the car, I found him a few steps away, unconscious and badly injured. I had no cell phone reception, we were in the middle of nowhere and suddenly my water broke and…” again she fell silent, her breath caught in her throat. “So all I could do was wait, I had no idea how a normal birth was supposed to take place, what I had to do except press it out somewhere along the way. God, it was horrible! When Riku woke up again he did his best to help me, but he was as scared as I was. He could barely move because of a dislocated shoulder and a broken leg. We… after a few hours, it was late afternoon already, Jannis suddenly stopped kicking. I couldn’t feel him anymore and… It obviously became more and more dangerous for me and the baby and… Well, I can’t really remember, there are only little pictures left but I know that almost everything went wrong and we didn’t have the equipment to … to do anything, do what were we supposed to do. I could feel that the baby was far down already. There was no way to think of something like a C-section. And above it all, who would have carried it out? It was horrible!” Linnea fell silent, shaking her head. “In the end we managed to get Jannis out of me alive by cutting me open in every direction possible because the kid was stuck. Riku, he… God, he was… I think he had a nervous breakdown. We had no idea about anaesthesia, couldn’t find anything in the damn ambulance-wreck. I lay there and he… he had to get a scalpel and cut… He had to…”

Again there was a silence between them and I felt that they had to hear the sounds of my guts churning. Damn, that was even more horrible than the stories she had already told me about!

“What happened then?” Jon asked lowly, taking the words out of my mouth.

“I think I lost consciousness somewhere along the way, but when I woke up, Riku had me bandaged and Jannis wrapped into some sheets and his jacket. I remember the look on his face, he was in shock, completely devastated and shattered. He told me to stay while he was out trying to find help. And so I did. But the blood loss… I… I can’t remember being found and rescued. I woke up in a hospital bed and when I was finally sutured and back on the surface of consciousness, I asked about Riku.”

“And?”

“He was gone. No one had seen him. Obviously some doctor at the emergency room had brought his shoulder back into place and taped his broken bones provisionally, but he was gone.”

“Gone as in he had left the hospital?”

“The hospital, the town, the country, I have no idea!” helplessly she shrugged. “He never told me. So as soon as I was able to walk again, I grabbed Jannis and took a flight back to Finland.”

“What about Riku? Where was he?”

Linnea shrugged again. “I have no idea.” She whispered. “His mobile was off, I couldn’t reach him.”

“But he came back, didn’t he?”

“He did.”

“Don’t let me drag every word out of you! Come on, Lin!” Jon sounded urgent. “He came back and…?”

“I don’t know, God damn it!” she hissed back. “It was about a week later. I had to go to the hospital again and only a few days after this whole mess I underwent surgery to reconstruct… well… “ she made a diffident gesture with her hands. “The suture was bad and the whole skin and tissue around was infected, it was horrible. And when I came back home he was there all of a sudden. He refused to talk about anything and we lived together in awkward silence for another week.” Linnea fell silent. “He had nightmares.” She started again in a very low voice. “He… well, Jannis was sleeping in my bed with me and Riku slept on the couch, but I could hear him scream every night. Sometimes when I went to the bathroom to change Jannis, I found him standing by the window in the middle of the night, staring outside. It almost killed me that he refused to talk about it and that he couldn’t hold Jannis without the memories of what he had seen and done during his own child’s birth. It was a hard time but I hoped that he would get over it somehow.” Linnea swallowed hard.

“But he didn’t.” Jon helped her out and she nodded, snivelling.

“The night he left us, we… I don’t even remember how it happened, but he was again awake because of a bad dream and when Jannis started to cry he became furious, yelling at me and at the baby. That was when he called him things like “that horrible thing that almost killed you” and “that awful monster you forced me to cut out of you”. It was dreadful! Like an explosion of emotions and words. And then he left without even packing, simply ran off in his trainers and he never came back.” Drawing a painful breath, Linnea shook her head. “Well, that was the point for me to leave as well. Jenna needed a place to stay, so I left my whole apartment as it was to her and came running to the safest place I know in the world.” Looking up at him she wiped her tears away. “That’s it.” She whispered, sobbing lowly when he pulled her closer and took her in his arms. “God, I miss him so much! I wish everything had happened differently!”

“We need to get you back on your feet, love.” He whispered soothingly, stroking her back. “You did a great job so far, you hear me? You are a great mother and hell, baby, you are strong! You can do this.”

That was the point for me to step back. 

Wow! 

Slowly I made my way back to Cate, completely lost in my thoughts. How was I supposed to deal with all those new revelations?  Two’s a company, but three’s a crowd. I was definitely dating a wonderful woman, but she was obviously still attached to her ex-boyfriend. And truth to be told, I had no idea how to help her getting over it and on with her life. I wasn’t even confident about the way she felt about me, about us… we had only been dating for a few months now, but I was almost certain that she was the one woman I would marry even though my divorce had been hard on me and I still felt weak when I thought about Kim and everything that had happened between us. But I only felt a little weak and sad, I wasn’t devastated because of her anymore. And evidently Linnea was still in a phase of deep desperation and far too involved with her old life to make another step towards me, us, our future together.

Should I take it slow? Or maybe try and talk to this Samu-guy again? Well, about what? Cursing lowly I stared down at my hands. Did she need time or did she need to be confronted with her past?

Well planned, Byrne, eavesdropping and making plans to use the stuff you secretly overheard. What a fucking shitty situation.

Still deep in my thoughts, I started taking the promised orders from the waiting guests at Jon’s. Cate helped me out and soon I was running and serving and trying to make conversation with the customers, even though I had a block of ice in my stomach.

“Hey!” All of a sudden Linnea put her hand on my back. She smiled despite her eyes that were still red from crying. “Thank you for your help!”

I didn’t reply and simply took her in my arms. “Are you alright?” I whispered, carefully stroking her back. “Is there something I can do for you?”

“You’re doing it right now.” She whispered back, resting her face close to my neck. “I’m sorry, this… this call really caught me off guard!”

“What happened?” still holding her close I felt my heartbeat speeding up.

“Samu, an old friend, maybe you’d say ‘the blond hulk’ just called and… well, I don’t wanna talk about it really. It’s fine, I’ll get over it.” She wanted to step back but I held her close.

“Why don’t you let me help you?” I asked lowly and even to my ears it sounded a little reproachful. She obviously heard the undertone as well and looked up.

“Well, if I had a clue about the kind of help I needed, you’d know first!” she shot back, struggling.

I released her and took the tray from the counter. 

‘No, I wouldn’t.’ I thought, turning over to the couple that had just started ordering their pies.

The fact that Linnea stayed silent only made this point even clearer to me: If she needed help, any kind of help, I would not be the one she’d ask for it. ‘The safest place I know in the world’, her words came to my mind. Well obviously that was not me.

It didn’t feel right and I wasn’t proud of myself when I sneaked outside on the corridor of her apartment that evening, pretending to head for the loo while she was cooking. I also didn’t take pride in searching her handbag for the keys to Jon’s diner and hiding them in my jacket. But I needed the phone, needed the phone number of this Samu-guy. And if I had to almost break in, well, tough times call for tough measures, right? Of course I knew that it wasn’t the right thing to do, but I was by now desperate to hear the other side of the story and maybe finally have the whole picture. To be honest, it frightened me. The thought of talking to Samu, finding out more about this damn soul mate bastard, maybe losing her if she ever found out about it. Truth to be told, I loved her. Up ‘til now we had definitely had a great time together but I kept asking myself if I had been blinded by love. There were signs, they had been there all along. She held me off her past, her life, even herself, kept me at bay. Even though we got along really well (at least I felt that way) she still refused to move in with me or furnish a room for Jannis at my apartment. She was distant. Withdrawn even. Today had been my wake-up-call. I was her boyfriend, but I wasn’t the one she came running to when she was sad, had problems or needed help.

Jon had unintentionally crossed a line that night but I wasn’t mad at him. After his talk with Linnea he had motioned me aside, telling me that he had overreacted and that I should have been the one to talk to her and comfort her. I had accepted his apology, acting like a very strong and confident man. But I wasn’t. I was in love. Madly in love. And my girlfriend refused to talk to me.

Sitting at my kitchen table in the middle of the night I stared down at the note in my hand, my fingers playing with the phone I had placed on the dark wood. I really hoped that no one would find out about me almost breaking into the diner to check the phone for Samu’s number, but even though I had simply opened the backdoor with a stolen key, I felt like a criminal.

It was four in the morning and I didn’t have a clue about the time in Helsinki but I desperately needed to finally dial the long 00358-number. I narrowed my eyes. Hopefully this was his home-number and not some random phone he had used. I started kneading my fingers, nervously humming along with a song that came to my mind. It was “how am I supposed to leave you” and I stopped immediately, groaning in frustration. Damn!

I awoke with a start, dozily staring outside into a grey winter sky. Quickly I checked my wrist watch. Seven! It was seven already! My hands were shaking when I started to dial the number from the little white note in front of me.

After ringing eight times the phone was picked up and a husky voice grunted a few words at me.

I cleared my throat. “Hi. This is Nicolas Byrne speaking. I am looking for Samu.”

The line fell silent and I heard some rummaging around at the other end.

“That would be me.” The other man then said, clearing his throat as well. “How can I help you?”

Chapter 9 

Linnea’s POV

“Damn, Lin!” Jon shook his head, bending over the table where we had been sitting, having a quick coffee before heading off to the diner. “Where did you lose it? D’you remember where you saw it the last time?”

“I don’t know!” nervously pacing up and down the living room I started biting my nails. My purse lay on the floor, my backpack as well, their contents randomly distributed across the room. “I only remember putting it in my jacket after opening the door of the apartment!” turning all the pockets of my winter jacket inside out again, I shrugged helplessly. Damn, fuck, shit!  Where had I lost my damn keys?

“Maybe I should call Nicky.” Suddenly came to my mind and I grabbed my phone from the floor. “His jacket was hanging right next to mine, maybe I put it in the wrong pocket!”

Jon only rolled his eyes but I wasn’t willing to give up, quickly dialling Nicky’s cell phone.

He didn’t answer, most probably he was still deep asleep. Well, who wouldn’t be at five in the morning? I hung up, sending a text message to explain to him that I had most probably confused our jackets and that I was looking for my keys.

Sighing I started to put all my stuff back into my bags before I got up from the floor. “I’ll find them!” I promised again, running over into Jannis’ room when I heard him cry.

My day had started off bad and it didn’t get any better. Cate called in sick and I had to take a double shift. Nicky wasn’t answering his phone the whole morning and I didn’t know how to handle the baby and the diner. It was nine when he finally called me back, making up some really weird excuses and telling me that he had to take a flight to Dublin that same day to visit a friend that wasn’t doing well. Inwardly I almost exploded, but I tried to stay calm.

“Can you maybe take a flight tonight?” I asked frustrated, running around behind the counter because the coffee-machine didn’t work properly and I was about to smash that damn thing to pieces.

He sounded reserved. “Well, maybe I could try to change my flight.” He offered reluctantly, almost making me yell at him and give him a good speech.

“Thank you.” I swallowed down the rest of my sentence and continued a little softer. “Cate is sick, I lost my keys, and I have no idea how to pick up Jannis at four because I have to work the afternoon as well.”

“No problem. Just a sec.” I heard him typing. “There is a flight tonight… at 8. Is that alright for you?”

“Sure! Thank you so much!” Out of breath and finally succeeding in preparing espresso again, I even smiled. “So I’ll see you this afternoon, right?”

“See you then. I gotta go!”

With that he hung up. Hum… he seemed distracted, maybe his friend was sick or even worse. Suddenly I felt sorry for occupying him so much. He didn’t owe me anything, Jannis wasn’t even his child! Well, but he would be if we stayed together. And he had never complained about helping me out with the baby. Even so, the bad feeling in my guts wouldn’t disappear for hours and it increased when he finally arrived at the bar at half past four. He seemed absent minded, even reserved. Most probably he took the events of the last afternoon a lot harder than I had expected and I couldn’t even be mad at him about it. It had taken all my strength to talk to Jon about the whole heartbreak that I had experienced only a few months ago and I simply didn’t have the power to re-open the case in front of Nicky, at least for a while. Most probably he wouldn’t leave me because of it, but I wanted to find the right words and maybe also wait a little longer because I didn’t want to give him the feeling that I wasn’t over Riku.

Well, obviously I wasn’t but I didn’t want him to know that it still got so close to me to even talk about him. I had left the country to make sure that I would manage to finally close the subject ‘happily ever after’ with the father of my child. Maybe it would take some time, but I would one day be able to look at Jannis and only smile because I saw my son, not the man that had left me and that had unintentionally broken my heart and even taken the pieces with him, to wherever he was now. One day. Maybe I would one day have another child. Hopefully a girl with blue eyes, just like Nicky’s.

I couldn’t help smiling broadly at him when he took off his jacket and the opened the baby sling to put Jannis down on the floor. The little boy was quick to get on all fours, squealing and making his way over to the counter. I picked him up, my free hand reaching out towards Nicky. “Thank you so much!” I whispered, pressing my lips into his soft kiss. “D’you want coffee?” carefully my fingers ran over his cheek before I pulled him in for another kiss. Offence is the best defence, right? And I needed to make sure that he knew how much he meant to me, even though I still wasn’t able to go the whole way.

He stepped back, suddenly there was a brief flicker of a smile on his face but he cocked his eyebrows in surprise. “Coffee would be great.” He said close to my ear, his husky voice causing goose bumps all over my back.

Shifting my face a little, I kissed his neck. “Coffee it is.” I whispered with a smile.

He followed me behind the counter, taking Jannis up on his arm. “I’m really sorry that I have to leave so suddenly!” he stated, nodding at his jacket, changing the subject within the twinkle of an eye. “I found your keys, they actually were in my jacket, where d’you want me to put them?”

“Thank God!” I gave him a tight hug, exhaling in relief. “Damn, I am so stupid sometimes!”

“Well…” he smiled, softly rocking Jannis. “It wasn’t your fault, it was a mix up, nothing more!”

“I have to be more careful!” I insisted, putting hot milk into his cup to hand the coffee over to him. “During the last months, I… well, since Jannis was born, I didn’t get much sleep and all the work for the diner, it is a lot for my body and brain to be honest!”

“You are quite used to burning the midnight oil, aren’t ya?”

“Well, actually I have been like that all my life, but most of the time I didn’t have a job that forced me out of bed in the middle of the night!” shrugging a little discontent, I sipped my own coffee. “And, since that damn little cutie on your arm won’t stop making demands on breast milk, I won’t be able to drink more coffee to help my brains work a little better and faster!”

Nicky grinned, his gaze running down a few inches from my eyes.

I broke into laughter. “Are you now seriously staring at my boobs?”

He laughed along with me. “They are great! Can you blame me?”

“I won’t!” softly I patted his chest, leaning in for another kiss. “You should have seen them a few years ago, all firm and stout!”

I knew it the second the words came out of my mouth: He wouldn’t take that joke easily. We had not talked about yesterday, the call, its results and consequences for us. We had not talked about my past, Riku, my feelings. Damn, I was bad with relationships!

“Come on, let’s sit for a bit.” I said quickly, beckoning him over. “How is your friend doing?”

Luckily the diner was almost empty but I knew that it would soon be filled with commuters on their way back home from work. Maybe we had a few minutes until then.

“He’s not so well.” Nicky answered, staring down in his coffee.

“What happened?” I asked concerned, putting my hand on his arm.

“He… well, he… he lost someone and I was told that he is right now under medical treatment, sad story.” Still staring into his cup, Nicky shrugged. “Maybe I can talk to him.” He flashed a gaze at me. “I really want to understand him and give him the chance to have someone to talk to.” Suddenly his eyes were almost locked with mine. “Maybe I can solve this.”

“Only a true friend would try that.” I affirmed, smiling at him. “D’you still have time? Tess will be here early, I asked her to come at five, maybe we could then grab a bite and leave? You surely need help packing, don’t you?” giving him another smile I got up, but he grabbed my hand.

“Maybe I should…” he started, suddenly changing his mind, nodding. “Thanks.” He simply said, but his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.

Chapter 10

Nicky’s POV

He was indeed tall and blond. Motionless he stood there, his back resting at a nearby wall. His intense eyes found me when he let them run over the group of travellers that left the security area of the airport. I lifted my hand, waving quickly and he returned the gesture, his prominent jawbones showing when he obviously gritted his teeth at my sight. Lovely!

It felt like he was at least two feet taller than I was and his big hand that almost crushed mine when we shook hands didn’t make me feel comfortable about the fact that I would soon spent a lot of time alone with him in his car.

“Nice to meet you, Samu.” Wow, I sounded confident!

“Welcome.” He simply said in his melodious voice, beckoning me over. “My car is in the car park. What are your plans?”

Well, at least he was negotiating directly. Be my guest. “I wanna see him and talk to him.” I stated firmly, making him shake his blond head and looking back at me over his shoulder.

“It is almost 12 at night, we’ll see about that tomorrow.”

I felt treated like a little child and was about to complain, but it would have been ridiculous. Of course I could not go there in the middle of the night, knock on his door and say ‘hi, I’m your exgirlfriend’s new guy, remember Linnea, the one you knocked up and left behind like a bag of garbage? Tell me, why did you leave her?’ I sighed. “Well then, a hotel maybe?”

Again the tall man turned around – damn, why did he have to have that long legs? I didn’t manage to follow him properly – and gave me a grin. “Nick, you are basically family, of course you can stay at my place.” He said too friendly not to sound sarcastically, stepping into the elevator.

I didn’t even know where he took me. Was it downtown, was it some suburb around? It was dark and the whole surroundings were silent, white and covered with thick layers of snow.

We had been quiet at the beginning but the ride became longer and longer and I had to start some small talk conversation after a while. He was obviously relieved that I broke the awkward silence and we kept chatting about the new iPhone for almost an hour in the car.

When he stopped the car in front of a large apartment building, he turned to me, giving me a small grin. “D’you have a real jacket?” he asked, looking my coat up and down.

“That one will do.” I answered quickly. “We’re used to cold weather in Ireland.”

“Are you.” His grin widened and he zipped up his own jacket – something really thin, denim maybe. What the hell? I wasn’t a mollycoddle, especially when he was still wearing nothing but denim over a hoody!

The temperature outside proved me wrong. What a shock! Hell, it was freezing! The blond hulk only grinned at me, playing around with the keys in his hand.

Upstairs in his apartment he showed me along a corridor and into a huge living room, pointing at a couch with a little smile. A real one this time.

“Extendable.” He said, turning around to leave the room. “Make yourself home. And welcome again.”

I put my small suitcase down that still made me feel a little gay in the presence of this weirdly manly man. Suddenly there were voices on the corridor, one of them undeniably female.

Soon he returned, putting two cans of beer on the coffee table and simply grabbed the back of the couch to give me a hand with it. “Late dinner is ready, are you hungry?” he asked and in an odd way I really felt welcome at his place and nodded immediately even though I didn’t feel the slightest hint of hunger.

A blond woman turned around when we entered the kitchen. She wore trainers and was extremely small, maybe reaching my shoulder in high heels if she wore any. The sight of her became even more unusual when Samu bent down to kiss her. “Heila, meet Nicky, Lin’s new boyfriend.”

I saw it in her blue eyes that widened with shock when her gaze ran over me again and again: I definitely wasn’t what she had expected.

“Nice to meet you, Heila.” Not sure about the name I offered my hand to her, making her giggle all of a sudden.

“It’s Jenna, Heila is a Finnish word for darling.” She shook my hand. “Have a seat, Nicky. Welcome to our home.”

It wasn’t morning yet, no light, no sun, but I heard voices and low steps on the corridor when I woke up. A door was closed and everything became quiet again. Slowly I opened my eyes, reaching out my hand to find my cell phone on the floor. It was only seven but somehow I was wide awake. Maybe the upcoming events. A sudden rush of anticipation ran through my whole body and I sat up, rubbing my face with the palms of my hands.

We had sat together for quite some time the night before and I had to admit that I really liked both Jenna and Samu. The hulk had tried to be diplomatic and had only beaten around the bush, but Jenna had been different. She asked about Linnea, wanted to see pictures of her and the baby and after a while I felt that she started to like me despite her manner towards me at the beginning that had shown her prepossession and even a little prejudice. They were his friends, Riku’s friends. But they obviously gave their best.

Within a few hours I was suddenly part of Linnea’s life, part of her past and in a surreal way part of her circle of friends. It felt odd but then again, very, very good.

The door was opened slowly and I looked up from my phone.

“Oh!” Jenna raised her hand. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up!”

“You didn’t!” I answered quickly, sitting up completely.

“D’you want coffee?” she seemed timid all of a sudden and I nodded with my brightest smile, getting up from the couch to pull up my jeans.

“Coffee sounds perfect!” I gave her another smile and she returned it, still unassertive.

When we sat together in the kitchen only a minute later she still tried to avoid eye contact, making me feel a little queasy after a while.

“So, Samu left already?” I stated the obvious just to have something to say. She nodded, handing a cup over to me.

“He had a few things to do before… well, before he comes back to pick you up.” Jenna sat down on one of the kitchen chairs, tucking up her legs. “So…” she mumbled, rubbing some imaginary spot on the table.

“So.” I sat down opposite her, sipping my coffee even though it was still far too hot. “You were kind of best friends with Linnea, right?”

A small smile crept over her lips. “Yep, I was, still am, hopefully!” Slowly she shook her head, still smiling. “I was supposed to be her maid of honour.”

My head lifted and I felt my thoughts spinning inside my brain all of a sudden. “Come again?” I managed to croak. Wedding? Maid of honour?

Jenna blushed. “Well, if she had ever had plans of getting married.” She tried to downplay her words, but I looked at her in a way that made her blurt out: “It was over a year ago and they didn’t even… it didn’t… Riku only bought some wedding rings and gave them to Samu.” She mumbled, her hands waving dismissively. “I mean they had been together for quite some time, the baby was on the way… was only a matter of time.”

I didn’t reply which made her babble even more. “He’s a little old fashioned, you know? And he turned 36, that’s an age where even men start thinking about settling down, right?”

“What happened?” I asked in a very low voice instead of responding to her excessive loquacity. “Where is he now and what happened?”

Now Jenna turned pale. “I… Nicky, I’m sorry, Samu asked me not to tell you any of this. We… we agreed that it would be for the best if you… if you just went to see Riku and talked to him without being biased by our opinion.”

“So you decided to let me run into this without being prepared or anything?” my anger was hardly suppressed and she must have seen it in the way I suddenly grabbed my cup. “The new boyfriend, this little Irish guy that is pretty far from everything you two had wished for her to find.”

“Nicky!” Jenna shook her head. “Trust me, I had been a little prejudice at the beginning, but you are a nice guy!” she put her hand on my arm. “Samu is such a dork sometimes! He… well, he told me that you would come, Lin’s new boyfriend but he forgot to tell me that it was Nicky Byrne from Westlife. Of course I was a little reserved at first, I was a big fan when I was a kid and trust me, you are so not Linnea’s type of guy! But as soon as we started talking, I really liked you! But I also know that Samu has his reasons and when he asks me not to open the subject ‘where is Riku and why’, I will keep with it.”

“Well, I know that he is right now quartered in a mental institution and not doing well.” I said, waiting for more information, but Jenna only shrugged.

“That’s what I know.” She emptied her cup. “I went there to visit him a few times but he refused to talk to me, so I stopped. Samu is still going there every week if he finds the time. He is still hoping that Riku will be back for the next tour in April, but I doubt that.”

“Why?” unwillingly she had all of a sudden started talking again and I didn’t want her to stop.

“Because!” with a clinking sound she lowered her cup, shoving it aside. “I have known Riku for over 4 years! Maybe he sometimes seems like a little boy, but deep inside he definitely is one of the most reliable persons I know! And he never had problems with drugs or anything before.”

Drugs, damn! Was this getting better and better? I made a mental note. “But the therapy his helping him to get over it, right? Respect, he chose residential detoxification services!”

Jenna narrowed her eyes, knowing that she had already said too much. “Anyway.” She shifted in her seat, looking down at her hands. “Just so you know: I wanted to see them happy, they are my friends, but I don’t mind knowing that she is right now happy with you.” Cocking her head she looked at me again. “D’you actually know why you are here?” she asked abruptly. “Why d’you wanna meet Riku so desperately?”

Chapter 11

Nicky's POV

I kept asking myself that question over and over again when I was finally sitting in Samu’s car again and later followed him along a corridor of an old building with high ceilings and oddly welcoming, open rooms. Before I could find an answer or even prepare myself for the situation I would be in only seconds later, we entered one of the rooms. Sunlight hit my eyes and I put my hand on my forehead, finding someone getting up from a chair and walking in my direction.

He was almost as tall as Samu but less muscular. His brown hair fell into his forehead and almost touched the beard he had grown. I recognized him instantly from the pictures on the internet, even though he had changed a lot. Damn, he looked knackered!

Samu gave him a hug and said a few sentences in Finnish. Then he turned to me.

“Nick, this is Riku. Riku, Nick.”

The look on his face had changed. Most probably Samu had told him who I was.

“Have a seat.” He offered, his voice sounding a little husky. “What d’you want?” he asked me directly, picking up his guitar. Without even waiting for my answer he sat down with his back turned towards me, putting his feet onto the radiator by the window. He even started humming along with the song he was playing.

I felt like taken for a ride.

Right at this second I knew exactly what I wanted to know from him. I got up. “Thank you for your time, that was all I needed.” I replied firmly, taking my coat. “I have no idea what she saw in you. But I wanted to see the face of the man that is actually capable of leaving a woman like Lin behind and also abandon his child.”

At an instant he was on his feet and I saw it in his eyes, he was about to slap me right in the face. “You came all this way to tell me that and rub into my face that you are banging the mother of my child, sunny boy?” he asked in a very low voice and I turned around to face him.

“I wanted to look into your eyes and maybe see what she had seen. Obviously I came unavailingly.” Actually I had no clue what I was doing there. I was standing in an asylum in front of an in-hospital patient that was most probably still on drug-withdrawal and one foot taller than me, and I intentionally made his blood boil and annoyed him far beyond endurance only because I wanted to see his reaction.

“You, little Miss Sunshine, have no idea what you are talking about.” He whispered with his teeth gritted and turned away from me again.

“Then tell me, you cissy.” I responded combatively (or weary of life maybe?). “Why couldn’t you be a man about this whole story?”

“This whole story is a lot more than a simple breakup!” he raised his index finger at me. “Don’t you dare alleging that I simply chickened out!”

“Well, you left a wonderful woman and a baby behind for no reason, sounds a lot like chickening out to me.” I was quick to step back when he suddenly approached, seething with rage.

“You little prick!” he hissed, grabbing my pullover. “You weren’t there, you didn’t see what I saw! It almost killed her, I almost killed her!” by now he was yelling and shaking me roughly. "I had to cut my own child out of her, imagine that for a second, you tiny big shot! She could have died!"

I clenched my fists, watching him closely. “And so you decided to leave her? TWICE?”

That was the point where Samu grabbed him because he literally lunged at me. Yelling at him in Finnish, he dragged Riku away from me, suddenly standing between us with a stern look on his face. “Seriously?” he shouted at me. “What the hell d’you think you’re doing?”

“Making him realise what he lost by leaving her. She’s having nightmares and cries at night because of you.” My voice was only a whisper and I returned Riku’s stare. “She is trying her best to get over you because she thinks that you simply left and stopped loving her. I wanted to see you, you stupid son of a bitch. See you and tell you right into your fucking face that I will do anything to help her getting over you and be a father for her son because you are so far up your own arse that you can’t take your God given responsibility!”

With that I turned on my heels, leaving the room and soon after also the building. Your turn, scumbag. My legs were trembling. Without planning it properly, I had come here to wake him up and give him a piece of my mind. And I had succeeded.

Suddenly Samu was by my side again, giving me a wary look. It took him 5 minutes and a cigarette to finally say something again.

“Are you sure that this talk turned out the way you planned?” he asked, advisedly choosing his words. “You didn’t come here to simply confront him, did you?” he asked carefully, looking directly into my eyes and continued without waiting for my answer. “You are either stupid and impulsive, or the most selfless man in love on this planet.”

He was right, but maybe both of what he had just said was true.

“This is not something I simply wanna win, Samu.” I answered lowly, staring down at my hands. “I fell in love with Linnea the first moment I saw her but…”

“You don’t have to tell me.” He interrupted softly. “It is just that… Nick, you know that he will most probably right now pack his suitcase and leave this useless therapy behind, right?”

“I certainly know that.” Sighing about the serious consequences my few sentences and actions now entailed, I stared into the white nowhere around us.

“And that he will most probably take a flight to London to see her?”

“Of course he will.” I fell silent. “You know, I… I don’t want her to think that her child’s father simply left her behind. I can’t live with that especially now that I met him and saw with my own eyes that he still loves her. Maybe… it is her choice, maybe…”

“She will leave you?” Samu finished my sentence and I nodded slowly.

“Maybe she will.” I agreed almost inaudible.

Linnea’s POV

It was four in the afternoon and I was at the diner with Jannis, impatiently waiting for Nicky’s return. He had called me from the airport only 20 Minutes ago, telling me that he would right now take a cab and be home soon.

Smiling I kept rocking the baby. I couldn’t wait for him to see one little surprise I hadn’t even planned.

He looked tired, almost a little exhausted. Maybe his friend had needed a lot of talking and he was now shattered with a lot of missing sleep. I almost ran into him, ignoring his half-hearted smile.

“You wanna take him!” I simply stated, grinning broadly.

He laughed surprised, the clouds around his head suddenly disappearing. “Do I?” he asked, reaching out his hand to touch my cheek before he took Jannis in his arms that started to clap and cheer at the sight of him, his little hands grabbing Nicky’s pullover. “Icky!” the baby suddenly gurgled. “Icky, Icky!” and I burst into laughter when I saw the stupid broad grin that spread over Nicky’s whole face.

“Seriously, Icky?” he kissed the little boy that kept gurgling and giggling.

“It is getting better!” I interrupted after a little while, taking Jannis’ hand. “Jannis, who’s that?” I pointed at Nicky. “Who’s that?”

Jannis smiled, tapping Nicky’s face with his free hand. “Dada.” He said. “Daadady.”

From the corner of my eye I saw Nicky swallowing hard. He pulled Jannis in for a tight embrace, hugging me with him.

“Jeez, you are killing me!” he whispered, his lips searching for mine. Intensely he kissed me, holding me as close as possible and I returned both his kiss and embrace, relieved that he was back with us and that he seemed happy for the first time in days.

“You’re back early.” I whispered into his ear, placing a soft kiss on his earlobe.

He moved away a little and I could almost see the dark clouds coming back, biting my tongue. Damn! Maybe his friend’s status was getting worse! Why was I unable to keep my mouth shut sometimes?

“Come on, let’s have some early dinner and go home, what d’you say?” he rubbed my back but the sadness in his eyes was almost tangible. I nodded, snuggling my face to his neck.

“I could definitely use some relaxation time with you.”

And I got it. After some sandwiches we headed home and I surprised him with his own fridge full of groceries and bottle of good wine. I had cleaned out his place and prepared the bathroom for us to have some private time (which of course we didn’t have because Jannis insisted on joining us in the tub, but Nicky didn’t mind).

When the baby was finally asleep in one of the spare rooms, where I had put a portacrib only yesterday, he totally made up for every missing hour of the last two days. It was still weird for me sometimes to look up at the man that was making love to me, finding Nicky, smiling, kissing me so sweetly, his hands running over my skin softly, experienced and even after only knowing me for such a short amount of time almost feeling anything I needed.

Carefully I pulled him down to meet his lips, my fingers playing with his soft blond hair. He was perfect.

But there was this tiny part of my brain that without warning started firing pictures that blocked my sight. Another man, another smile. His hands rougher, with calluses from his long years of guitar playing.

Burying my face at Nicky’s neck, I tried to hide the sudden rush of emotions. All of a sudden I could almost smell and taste Riku’s skin. I couldn’t breathe, didn’t want to breathe because I didn’t want his scent in my nose. Completely thrown off track I wrapped my arms and legs tighter around Nicky before I let go, pushing the upper part of his body up with my hands. Out of breath I blinked, nictating again and again for a few heartbeats. The right picture occurred in the halflight of the room.

“Are you alright?” he whispered, all of a sudden alarmed. “Did I hurt you?”

I shook my head no, trying to smile at him.

“I’m fine.” I whispered back, running my fingers over his chest. He did the same and smiled at me. “A little wet with your milk, hum?” his smile grew wider. “Didn’t the little one drink enough?” carefully he ran his lips down my neck. “Why don’t you sit on top of me and let me have a sip of it?”

Jannis was sitting on the bathroom rug the next morning when Nicky and I had a shower together. In a weird way we had been inseparable that night and even after we had made love twice, he refused to move away only an inch. My neck was hurting from the unusual sleeping position, but it had been worth it. Cuddling closer to Nicky’s wet and warm body I closed my eyes, wrapping my arms around his hips.

“He’s watching us.” Nicky suddenly stated with a smile, pointing at Jannis that had somehow managed to get on his knees and now leaned at the glass of the shower, softly tapping it and showing his first six teeth with his broad smile.

I laughed at his shoulder, peeping around him. “You’re right.” I giggled.  “Maybe we should get out and prepare breakfast.”

“Or…” he pulled me in for a kiss, swallowing another giggle with his mouth.

“Mr Byrne! Not with the baby around!” I joked, deepening the kiss.

It was almost eight when we arrived at the diner and I waved at Cate. She had been kind enough to take over the first part of my shift to give Nicky and me some time together. Grabbing my apron, I kissed Nicky’s lips. “Thank you for the lovely night.” I whispered into his ear, finding him smiling back at me and kissing me again.

“Anytime.” He whispered, running his fingers through my hair. Suddenly his mobile made a little sound and he started searching the pockets of his jacket. When he looked at it, his smile froze on his lips and he stepped back.

“Love, I… I gotta…” he threw a gaze around. “There is something I need to tell you, before…”

“Lin!” a sudden shriek made me turn my head and I found Cate sitting on the floor. For a second everything around me was in slow motion, only to snap back into real time with the force of a sledge hammer. Lou. It was Lou on the floor.

Running over to his table I combed back my hair and grabbed his hand.

“What happened?” I whispered alarmed, yelling at everybody around to step back and call an ambulance at the same time.

“I don’t know!” Cate was close to tears. “He just… I don’t know!”

Quickly I tried to lift Lou’s legs. They were thin and felt almost weightless in an odd way. Stroke. Maybe a heart attack. Everything I knew about first aid was all of a sudden gone and I reached out my hand to touch Lou’s face. The old man was unconscious, maybe it was for the best. But it didn’t make it easy to assess his vital status. Kneading my fingers I decided to take off my pullover to fold it and put it under his head. It was all I could do right now, but at least he would be a little more comfortable.

“Ambulance is on the way.” I heard someone say nearby.

A hand was placed on my back and it was Nicky that got down on his knees next to me. He had an appalled look on his face and I was more than thankful that he didn’t try to soothe me with platitudes like “everything’s gonna be fine”.

Time dragged on like molasses on a cold winter day but finally the ambulance arrived, providing first aid.

“You go with him.” Cate suddenly demanded after I had given the doctor all the information I had on Lou. She even pushed me outside in my thin t-shirt, insisting again. “Go, for fuck’s sake! He needs a friend now and you two have been exceptionally close during the last months!”

My gaze found Nicky standing on the pavement not far from us with his mobile in his hands.

“Go.” He agreed, nodding at the ambulance where Lou was lying on a stretcher. “Call me in an hour, alright?”

I nodded quickly, grabbing the hand of the doctor to let him help me into the car.

It was only a dizzy spell but nevertheless it had almost scared me to death and I stayed with Lou for another three hours, waiting for him to wake up and keep him company for a bit. Eventually I left reluctantly, because his daughter and her kids arrived from Manchester and I wanted to give them some time as a family.

One of the nurses had brought me an old pullover and I was more than thankful for it when I left the hospital and walked over to the next bus stop. When I was sitting on the bus I tried to call Nicky, feeling a little sorry that I had not called him earlier. It was noon already. I also felt my bad conscious gnawing because Cate was on her own at the diner with Jon and right now the lunch hours were about to start. Nervously I played around with my mobile. I had to switch busses soon and it would take me at least another half hour to finally get there. Quickly I typed the landline number of the diner, but it rang ten times until Cate finally picked up. “JonsDinerCateSpeaking.” She whispered out of breath.

“Hey Cate, it’s me!” I closed my eyes, too tired to keep looking outside into the foggy day. “I’m on my way back, Lou is doing better, his family is now with him.”

“Lin.” Cate simply said, pausing far too long. “Good… that is… that is good news.” Again she paused and I could almost see that she was right now starting to bite her nails. Cate was always bad at hiding her feelings or emotions and at this moment she was a bundle of nerves, trying her best to hide it from me.

“It’s fine, Cate!” I tried to ease up the situation. “It was only a little dizzy spell, Lou’s gonna be fine within a few days.”

“Yah, right.” Cate sounded absentminded. All of a sudden I heard that she was covering the earphone, exchanging a few sentences with someone. What the hell was wrong with her today? “Cate!” I sounded sharper than I intended, but somehow I my nerves were still on the edge and I couldn’t stand my friend being weird and cryptic now. “Cate, what the hell is going on?”

“Lin, listen, I … there… you…” again the earpiece of the phone was covered but this time I heard her shouting “Shut the fuck up right now! All of you!” then she turned back at me. “Lin, I’m sorry. It is a little hard to explain, will you just come back, we have a little… situation here and you are definitely the only one to solve it.” With that she hung up on me. For the rest of the ride I couldn’t sit still, impatiently waiting for the bus to pick up his pace again after stopping at every dam bus stop in town.

Almost rushing inside the diner I threw a gaze around the place. It was full, nearly every seat taken and I saw one of the kitchen boys running around with plates while Cate was simply standing behind the bar, staring into nowhere. What the fuck? I closed the door behind, giving the room another look. All of a sudden four people got up almost simultaneously and I felt a block of ice forming in my stomach. The looks on their faces were as different as chalk and cheese. Samu looked worried and tired, Jenna on the other hand a little contrite even though she couldn’t quite supress her excitement. Nicky was pale, rocking Jannis on his arm. His lips formed a thin white line but he somehow managed to smile at me despite the man that was standing at the other end of the table, showing a thousand emotions at the same time, unable to hide anything of it. There was anger, fighting a smile. Black despair and at the same time disappointment, rage and an insecure flicker of hope.

I was rotten to the spot, not even managing to breath.

Riku.

Torn between the urge to run away, run into him or throw up right there and then I simply kept standing there, staring at them.

When Riku all of a sudden stepped forward, I stopped him by only lifting my hands defensively, shaking my head no.

“What is this all about?” I managed to get out of my mouth after a few seconds.

“I need to talk to you.” He simply said in Finnish, his voice causing goose bumps all over my lower back. But I didn’t miss the gaze he threw at Nicky that instinctively pulled Jannis closer and turned further away from the other man.

“Well, I have been waiting for this talk months ago and right now I don’t think I rather want it nor need it anymore.” I lowered my hands, shaking my head again. “You might as well leave.”

He stuck to Finnish, most probably to annoy Nicky and took off his jacket. “I think I won’t do that.”

Feeling myself getting more and more angry at him, the other three dumbasses, sitting around silently and the whole situation, I stepped back, pointing behind the bar. “Well then, backroom.” I commanded aggressively. “And don’t get lost on the way as usual!” Without waiting for his answer I turned on my heels, pushing the door open.

Nicky’s POV

The soul mate-bastard had sounded pretty confident, but I saw his hands shaking when he made his first steps to follow Linnea. He had stared at the baby for minutes. Sometimes secretly, from the corner of his eye, then again longingly, wanting to hold him and cuddle him the way I did. Stubbornly I had ignored the silent begging and Jannis made it easy for me because he held onto me firmly, starting to cry whenever Samu or Jenna came even close. Right now he was snuggled to my neck, playing with my necklace and babbling lowly. I was almost unable to bite back a satisfied grin when I heard him sing-babbling “Dadydadady”.

It only took a minute before there was yelling in the backroom. This time Linnea had also switched to Finnish and I gritted my teeth. Looking at Samu and Jenna I found the two of the holding hands all of a sudden, staring at the dark wood of the door with pale faces.

“What is it about?” I asked after a while when the yelling and shouting became even louder and even some of the customers were looking already.

Samu sat down, looking up at me. “They are…”

“Don’t say “they are fighting”, that is a little obvious!” I interrupted harshly.

“She… and now he…” he frowned, sighing lowly. “Bad move.” He murmured, shaking his head. “Now he is… Puh!” again he shook his head. “Sorry, Nick, they… they are both really playing dirty right now! She… she tells him that she is over him and that she doesn’t want to see him again, he is insulting you, trying to make her see… well, make her feel bad for what happened to him during Jannis birth and afterwards, now she is…” he listened for a few moments. “She lets him have it, wow.” The blond man rubbed his face with his free hand, looking at me again. “This talk is really a low point for both of them.” Sighing he got up again. “Let’s hope they don’t get physical in a bad way!” he stated worriedly when all of a sudden a bang and some more intense shouting were heard, only seconds later followed by Linnea, forcefully dragging Riku along.

“You!” She pointed at all of us with fury in her eyes. “You damn bastards! The only thing I wanted was to get over everything, but no, you have to come back and slap me right in the face! And you,” she pointed at me, her eyes by now shooting little sparkles of lighting. “I will never forgive you that you did this behind my back! You lied to me! I trusted you and you fucking lie to my face!” She hissed something in Finnish, pushing Riku through the entrance door of the diner where she stood in front of him, stomping with her feet, waving her hands and clenching her fists again and again.

He watched her without a sound, his dark brows furrowed. I had not expected his next move and sucked in a breath in unison with Jenna: Completely ignoring the ranting woman in front of him, Riku simply grabbed her by her shoulders and kissed her. It wasn’t a soft or loving kiss but a simple statement. ‘You are mine’. And hell, I would not let him do that! Wrapping my arms tighter around Jannis, I looked down at the baby and over to Jenna, that was almost as shocked as I was. Before I could react in any way, Lin did. She pushed Riku away, slapping his face. Once. Twice. Three times. But he didn’t back off. Instead he stepped closer again, wrapping his arms around her to stop her from fighting him. She struggled, still hitting him with her fists wherever she could find a spot in reach, but I could tell that she was by now crying. This was not the way I had wanted this to go and I felt my heart beating painfully. I felt it the second she stepped back, drying her tears. They simply stood there for a few more minutes, closer now, talking seriously. And when she turned towards the diner again, I basically knew what she was about to tell me.

***************************************************************************

A soft knock at the door and I feel like waking up from a dream. Breathlessly I stare down at the screen of my computer, trying to come back to reality as quickly as possible.

He pops his head around the corner, smiling.

“Hey.” He says. “Sorry to interrupt, but the crew is by now starving.”

I look at the clock on my desk, glad to avoid eye contact for a few seconds.

“Oh!” it is six already, of course they are hungry by now! My stomach is growling and the baby all of a sudden reminds me by kicking my poor liver that I should definitely have dinner right now!

“I’ll be right with you!” I manage to smile at him and he returns my smile, looking back over his shoulder into the living area before he steps closer, softly rubbing my tensed shoulders.

“You look tired!” he states a little critically, rubbing the rest of my back and I lean into his hands with a sigh.

“You’re right, maybe I should have a bath tonight.”

“I might join if there is still some space left beside you and the tummy!” he jokes, kissing my hair.

As soon as he has left, I press Ctrl+S to save the words that took me a whole afternoon to write and really made me feel exhausted. Quickly I add a few last sentences before I turn in my chair. A guitar is playing in the kitchen and I feel a smile spreading all over my face. Daddy’s last resort.

I smell mashed potatoes and fish fingers and my stomach is again making a lot of hungry noise. He smiles up at me from the floor without stopping to play, Jannis and Juliane still dancing around him. Bending down as far as I can, I manage to kiss his lips, remembering the last words of my now finished story:

“I really love you, but Riku and I, we are a family and I have to give him another chance.”

And he didn’t disappoint me ever again. Still smiling I run my fingers over Riku’s cheek, playing with the little earring he still wears even though I keep telling him that he is by now in his forties and far too old for it. He smiles back, kissing the palm of my hand. With a low sigh I send a little prayer to the Gods above, hoping that Nicky is right now happy with his life. He deserves nothing less.