Chapter 19 - Lost in the Dark

Chapter 19

We walked down the steep stairs next to each other in complete silence. A couple of times I had the feeling that Yorick was looking at me. But whenever I flashed a small gaze at him, he was simply staring ahead, still fiddling with a wooden button I had not closed.

“Let me get this for you.” I said lowly, taking his arm to make him stop walking. “You want them closed all the way up?”

He nodded and lifted his chin when I fastened up the last button.

“Alright.” I managed to give him a smile. “You’re all set.”

Again he simply nodded, taking a deep breath before he exited the house through the open main doors.

Weirdly enough, it was a lot harder than I had expected to tell them goodbye, especially Idun. The blond woman jabbed me softly, throwing a mocking grin at me.

“So, sister.” Matey she winked at me and gave me a tight hug. “Looks like I might be calling you sister after all, doesn’t it?”

“Idun, it… it is a bit more complicated than that.” I tried to shuffle out of the situation immediately.

“It is indeed.” She nodded knowingly, giving me another tight hug. “You’ll have your sacred man’s baby first, but that is only symbolic. Then you might as well choose otherwise and get married to a proper Northman. Your father would be very proud of you.”

I almost responded: “If he gave a rat’s arse, he maybe would.” But I held my tongue, realizing in surprise that he as a Norwegian and Viking research scientist would most probably in fact be proud of me.

“Get back safely.” I demanded instead, holding the other woman close. “I will personally kick your arse if you get yourself in danger.”

Grinning she patted my arm. “Take good care of Yorick.” She kissed my cheek. “And get pregnant soon so that we can finally celebrate and settle, will you?”

I nodded with a lump in my throat. This was most probably the last time I ever saw her. “Take care and be safe.” I whispered, waving them all goodbye only minutes later.

Suddenly Samu was by my side. We wrapped his arm around my shoulder, turning towards the house.

“What happens now?” he asked in a very low voice and I looked up at him.

“Let’s find out.” I pointed at Oddgeir that stood in the doorway, waving the remaining members of his clan closer. “Looks like Grandpa has a few announcements to make.”

Aevarr and his warriors had left us with a good supply of food, eight slave-women and a dozen of soldiers of which half were still in recovery.

We gathered around the main fire and waited for the serfs to bring Ale and food for us. Oddgeir had taken the Jarls seat, because Yorick had insisted upon it. The old man didn’t look good today. Studying the way he moved carefully and his laboured breathing I could easily tell that his health was declining. Well, for the present period of time he was immemorial. Trying to calculate his current age, I looked at Yorick. He was 27, five years younger than his brother Aevarr. Idun had told me that there had been a few more brothers and sisters in between, but they had all died. Either in early childhood or in battle. Their father Havar was in his late fifties, also an old man already. From the tales they all loved to tell around the fires I had learned that Havar had actually been Oddgeir’s youngest son. The youngest, but the most ambitioned and cruel. He had been ruthless enough to challenge two of his older brothers to a duel after the first born son had fallen in battle. With that he had become Jarl himself at a very young age. And no one had challenged him ever since.

Listening to the little speech the old man gave, I put my hand in Samu’s. He smiled down at me, softly squeezing my fingers. “What does he say?” he whispered, placing a soft kiss on my earlobe that made me shiver.

Safer choice, right choice? Momentary weakness, sudden blaze of Stockholm Syndrome? Jesus Christ, what the freaking hell was wrong with me?

“They will send for us within 6 days.” I whispered back to distract myself, cuddling closer to Samu’s warm body.

“That is good news.” He mumbled back, still resting his lips close to my ear. I felt his head moving slightly, when he scanned the room. “Now we got 11 men, including grampa. Most probably they will always put two men on watch for the night.” Again he let his gaze travel over the few men that were left with us. “At least four of them are still unable to carry any weapon, and we have the old man and the Jarl’s son. So my guess for tonight would be him and him.” Secretly he pointed at two of the warriors and I nodded, quickly trying to remember their names.

“Hjalkarr and Eyolfr.” I whispered back, feeling a shudder running down my spine. “They fought Yorick the day I turned up. We have to be extremely careful with those two!”

“Fought him, you say?” Samu raised one of his eyebrows, watching the blond warriors by the fire closely. “They challenged the son of the Jarl?”

I nodded, playing with the cord on his shirt. “They insisted that I was war loot as well. He saved me.”

Samu’s teeth made a little sound when he clenched them. “So we’d better try nothing on their watch, hum?” he then whispered, pulling me closer. “I remember him, Thorbjorn, he was my trainer with the axe. What about the others?”

I shrugged, running my gaze along the backside of the room. “Asger.” Secretly I pointed at a bulky man that rested his broken leg on a chair. “But don’t underestimate him, he fights like the black knight in monty python and he would still fight without his legs and arms and even kill you.” I pointed ahead with my chin. “I think he is called Bjarte, but I’m not sure. He must be the youngest of them but he has recovered pretty well from the wound on his upper arm.” Nodding, I looked up at Samu again. “I don’t know anything about the other four that are healthy, but these five are already enough to worry about for us.”

“And Yorick.” Samu’s voice sounded dark all of a sudden and I looked at him once more.

“What d’you mean? He’s barely standing.”

“Even in his current state, he overpowered me to save you.” He lowered his head, turning his face away from me. “Not only is he a strong man, he also has feelings for you and he believes that you are sacred. He’d die for you without hesitating for a split-second.” He then whispered without looking at me. “And he will not let you out of his sight after this morning.”

I put my hand on his cheek and forced him to look at me. “Do me a favour and shut up.” Gesturing towards the doors, I moved a little to watch Samu closely. “I wanna go home and I can’t deal with drama! We might only have this one chance, so I say we work together and do this. Remember you promised me that you would be there for me whatever it takes!”

He nodded slowly, still not meeting my eyes. “Whatever it takes.” Drawing a deep breath he suddenly kissed me very carefully. “Anything.”

I lifted his chin with my hand, forcing him to look at me. If I was to leave this place with him, I needed him to look into my eyes without blinking.

“Will you still be with me when we get home?” I asked him in a very low voice, not letting go of his chin. “Will you be with me or will you be off and traveling the world with this band of yours?”

His eyes widened in surprise and he shook his head slowly. “We are taking a break from the band, we haven’t announced it yet, but we are thinking about a farewell-tour in spring and then some time off. So if you still want me despite the missing fame and traveling and money, I’ll be all yours. For the rest of my life if you let me.”

There was no doubt in his eyes, no flicker of insecurity, and I put my hand on his cheek.

“Are you sure?” I insisted. “Don’t you wanna take some time off alone, especially after the band announces a break? Do you really wanna start a relationship without knowing me properly?”

Now his eyes narrowed slightly and he shook his head no.

“What makes you think that I don’t know you?” He then asked, moving a little closer. “You are the most wonderful and amazing woman I ever met!”

“Under pressure and weird circumstances!” I reminded him very seriously, raising my hand to stop him from arguing. “Samu. I am different and I am definitely damaged goods. So if you, Mr Popstar, are telling me right now that there is only 1% of doubt inside of you, I…” I stopped short, facing to fire to get the feelings in my face under control again. God, I sounded stupid! Was I now giving Samu an ultimatum only because I wanted him to tell me that we would be fine back home? That wasn’t fair. I didn’t want him to make my decisions for me. Well, maybe I wanted it, but it definitely was an unrightfully move. Taking a deep breath I shook my head again. Maybe I should get some rest and clear out my head again. “Think about it.” I tried to close the subject I had opened so unmindfully.

Samu suddenly grabbed my arm, his blue eyes piercing through me. “You are seriously thinking about staying here!” he whispered through his gritted teeth. “You… after this morning… Elida! It was a mistake and I am more than sorry! If you give me the chance, I will try everything to make it up to you! But you can’t even consider for a second to stay here!”

“Silence!” Oddgeir abruptly interrupted and glared at us with his watery eyes. “This talk affects you as much as all of us, so be silent and wait!”

“We talk later.” I mumbled, nodding at the old man. In fact I was glad about the interruption. I was glad, because I didn’t know how to explain my weird emotions to anyone, even myself. I had no clue what was right or wrong anymore, good or bad for me. Where did fears end and simple inconvenience start? What did I actually expect from Samu and what was it that seemed to have bound me to Yorick?

This wasn’t my life, these weren’t my people. It simply was a violent kind of stone age that fascinated me and that had actually fascinated me my whole life. But fascination wasn’t enough to simply throw medical care, a life without wars and fights and a long healthy life with showers, books and coffee away, was it?

Burying my face in my hands, I tried to listen to the old shaman. I was more than relieved that Samu had simply assumed that I was still a little mad or shocked about his behaviour. He didn’t seem to suspect deeper feelings and I wouldn’t be the one to really spell it out for him. I had feelings for Yorick. Serious feelings I couldn’t quite explain. They were untamed and free but at the same time intense and deep.

When I looked up again, I caught Yorick’s gaze. His grey eyes were dark and stern, but their look suddenly softened slightly when he gave me the most minuscule smile.

Death, Elida, this place will be the end of you! I reminded myself but I couldn’t help smiling back, hoping that Samu wouldn’t see it. God, I had held a gun to his head, constraining total devotion and he promised it to me while matter-of-factly I was the one with the unanswered questions and commitment phobia. And I wasn’t right in the head.

The fog, these people, this life, it made me all barmy and weird.

Focus, Elida, focus.

Fact one: I didn’t belong here.

Fact two: There was a big part of my heart that told me with absolute clarity that I was in love with Samu.

And fact three: We had to get out of this hut, find the rest of the band and return home together.

And fact four: If I stayed, I would die. As simple as that. The removal of my loop, childbirth, a simple cold would cost me my life.

Four facts. Plausible and convincing.

But why did my heart seem to beat in the wrong rhythm?