“So...” Holly Russell was small, blond and a lively woman in her mid fifties. Smiling at her friend’s daughter that was still sitting on a long brown leather couch, kneading her fingers seemingly uncomfortable, she made a few notes. “So your boyfriend is Samu Haber from the rockband Sunrise Avenue! Congratulations on that, my daughter’s a huge fan!”
“It’s not Samu, it’s Riku!” Elena whispered through her gritted teeth, cursing herself for talking too fast. When she had entered Holly’s office she had blurted out everything without drawing a breath, talking nineteen to a dozen. “Samu is my husband in my dreams.” She added, trying her best to calm down.
“I’m sorry.” Holy gave her another smile. “So Elena, what exactly d’you expect from this session? How can I help you?”
“How... how can you help me?” Elena let out a shivering giggle. “Well, I’d not be sitting here if I had a clue to be honest!” helplessly she shrugged. “Mom said that you are a specialist on hypnosis, she thought that it might help solving this whole mess.”
“You’re calling it a mess.” Thoughtfully Holly crossed her legs, playing around with her pen. “Isn’t it mostly considered nice to have good dreams about famous persons?”
“It’s not dreams!” Elena shot back immediately, sounding a lot harsher than she had intended. Quickly she raised her hands, shaking her head defensively. “It’s not dreams!” she repeated in a lower voice. “They are affecting my life! And most of the time they feel a lot more realistic than my actual life!”
“And now that you are with Riku they seem even more disturbing.” The doctor assumed, nodding with a smile when Elena gave her a quick nod.
“They are disturbing. I feel too close to Samu, I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help it! This part of me that is now in a coma, desperately wanting to wake up, this part of me is in love with him, not Riku!”
“Well, when it comes to dream interpretation, your coma seems quite logical, concerning the fact that you have now chosen to be with Riku.” Holly tried softly, but Elena shook her head forcefully, immediately denying her words.
“It’s not that easy!” she whispered. “I AM in love with Samu, but not actually the man I met at the recording studio! I’m in love with my husband! And I wanna wake up, tell him that I’m sorry and that I will never ever see Riku again! But...” again she shrugged, completely out of words for a few seconds. “But then again, I... I see Riku and the time we spent together. He is so lovable, he is such an amazing friend and I really, really love him! But... but I’m afraid that I’m more in love with my husband!” she buried her face in her hands. “I must be completely insane!” she mumbled through her fingers, shaking her head in denial.
“You are not!” Holly reassured gently, leaning forward to rub Elena’s back. “Why don’t you just lay down and we start your first hypnosis session right away? Most of the time the whole confusion and discomposure fades during hypnosis. You get the chance to rearrange your thoughts and feelings. Come on dear!” smiling she got up, starting a camera that was placed on a shelf on the opposite end of the room. “I’m gonna record this session for us to have material to talk about, but don’t be afraid, no one’s ever gonna see this tape, alright?” Sitting down on an armchair behind the couch, she smiled again. “Just lie down and relax, will you?”
Elena sighed and closed her eyes. Very well then!
“Your eyes feel heavy now.” The soft voice of the psychiatrist became lower. “Imagine you are standing inside an elevator. There is comforting music playing and you are watching the numbers over the door. They are decreasing as the elevator slowly sinks. 30, 29, 28... you are feeling more and more relaxed, leaving all your troubled thoughts behind. 27, 26, 25... your arms and legs are heavy as well and you sit down on the bench inside the elevator. 24, 23, 22, 21, 20.” The doctor’s voice started to fade, tenderly reaching Elena in her dim state between sleep and complete awareness. “10, 9, 8, 7, 6. You are about to reach the ground floor. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Now the doors slowly open up. You are stepping outside, throwing a look around. What is the first thing you see?”
“Nothing.” Elena whispered in a thin voice. “Everything is dark around me. There’s a voice, talking to me.” She drew a breath. “I can’t see anything!”
“Open your eyes Elena.” The doctor’s voice whispered back. “Look around. You have to open your eyes. Open them, Elena.”
Suddenly the voice changed. It became deeper. Husky. A man’s voice. “Elena!” it whispered. “Elena, love! Open your eyes!” she felt a hand caressing her face, soft lips kissing her cheek, hair falling over her, tickling her nose. With a lot of effort she wrinkled her nose, drawing another breath. His smell... familiar. The lips on her forehead, three day stubbles brushing over her cheek. “Samu.” She managed to whisper, feeling a rush of relief running through her body. He was here! Right here by her side! “Samu!” she whispered again, opening her eyes to focus on his face. The bright afternoon light hit her eyes and she moaned, closing them again. Immediately his hands cupped her face. “Love? Can you hear me?” his voice became higher. It sounded hoarse and he cleared his throat. “Elena! Please, talk to me, baby!”
“Thirsty.” Was all she could mumble, forcing her eyes open once more. There he was. Still his image was blurry, but it was him. She tried to smile at him, feeling her dry lips splitting a little. Instantly her head was lifted carefully and a cup was put on her lips. She tried to swallow eagerly, feeling her throat burning. Coughing she moved away after a few sips, closing her eyes again.
“Please, love, open your eyes!” Samu sounded urgent. His voice was still filled with fear and his hands shivering when he ran them over her face once more.
She blinked and his face became clearer. He looked tired, completely exhausted. Dark shadows lay under his eyes, his hair was messy and obviously unwashed for days. Elena breathed deeply. “ Samu.” She raised her hand, putting it on his cheek. Aware that she most certainly did not have the time to try to explain everything to him, she put her fingers on his lips to stop him from asking questions. “Listen, love, I... you...” she felt tears welling up. Finally she was back with him, the man she loved so deeply, but most probably she had to leave him again. Maybe they only had a few seconds before the doctor would wake her up from her hypnosis. “Listen, Samu, I... there are some things I need to solve, but... I want you to know that I love you with all my heart and that I will fight my way back to you somehow, you hear me?”
He nodded without interrupting her, a questioning look on his overtired face.
“I will come back to you, I promise, everything’s gonna be alright. Just trust me, will you? Whatever happens, you have to trust me.”
“I will.” He whispered against her fingers. “I love you.”
Suddenly everything became black again and she felt an invisible wave that seemed to capture her and drag her along, sweeping her away from Samu, the hospital room and her bed. With a low sound she sat up. Her heart was pounding in her chest. When she scrutinised the room she found Holly, looking at her with an astounded look on her face.
“Elena?” she repeated the young woman’s name, kneeling down beside her. Carefully she grabbed Elena’s shoulder, shaking her. “Elena! Where have you been?” she whispered, her face pale with shock. “Where have you been?”
“At the hospital.” Elena managed to smile weakly and lay back again, rubbing her face with her hands. “I talked to him. Needed to tell him that everything would be alright again.”
“You talked to Samu? Was he there? What did he say?” alarmed the doctor got up, making a few notes.
“I told him that I was fine and that I will solve this and come back to him.” Elena felt eased. She would manage to come back. Everything would be fine. Maybe hypnosis was the key back to him. Smiling she sat up completely, stretching her arms.
Holly was still staring at her with disbelieve. “Elena, you... alright, first of all you need to... I need you to... to admit that... Elena!” her voice became serious. “It is only a dream, Elena! You need to accept that! I... I can’t help you, if...”
“Of course!” Elena said quickly and nodded. “But... but talking to him helped me... it... maybe it helps me to close this whole subject, to put an end to this!” she lied hastily, averting her gaze. Hoping that the doctor would believe her, she looked up after a few seconds. Holly nodded slowly, still staring at her with a strange look on her face.
“Well, maybe you are right.” She admitted hesitantly. “Maybe you should come back tomorrow and we continue the session. I will...” slowly she got up, walking over to her desk. “I will give you this prescription. I don’t... well, I don’t want you to take any antipsychotics. Not yet.” Her gaze travelled over the young woman on the couch. “This is something to help you sleep. Come back tomorrow, let’s say at ten? I’ll be waiting for you and we continue the session. Report any dreams you have, maybe you can write them down in the morning before you get up, alright?”
Elena nodded, taking the doctor’s note. “Thank you, Holly.” She smiled. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Bye, dear! Say hello to your parents, alright?”
“I will.” Elena promised, buttoning up her coat. “Bye Holly!”
Breathing a sigh of relief she left the office, heading for the next pharmacy. She knew the pills Holly had prescribed her. It was almost the same as the ones her mother had given her around Christmas. She wouldn’t take them. Maybe the dreams would return now and she could actually talk to Samu. Reality hit her when her mobile rang. Riku! Elena froze. Standing in the middle of the sidewalk she stared down at her mobile, before she picked up. “Hey.” She whispered hesitantly.
“Hey there, love!” she heard laughter in the background. “We’re having a break, how’s home?”
Elena tried to chuckle, hoping that it might sound happy at his end of the line. “It’s all white and snowy and sunny.” She answered, facing the bright winter sun.
He sighed. “Well, London’s pretty much the same, but not sunny at all without you!”
Low howling was heard from the other side and she could imagine his friends slapping him.
“Little Riku’s getting all fuzzy after a night on the looooove-boat!” she suddenly heard Raul’s voice and couldn’t help giggling.
“Hit that bastard!” she demanded. “Don’t make me come back, Ruutuu!”
Husky laughter and a few sarcastic and sexual comments were heard from his friends, then suddenly it all went quiet and she heard a door closing.
“Now.” Riku cleared his throat. “I shut them bastards out.”
“Where are you?” Elena listened a little closer. “Your voice is echoing in a weird way.”
“Locked myself into the restrooms.” He joked proudly, making her giggle again. God, he was such a sweet person! Feeling guilty and torn between her feelings for him and the deep love she had felt for Samu only minutes ago, Elena closed her eyes for a second, pressing her hand to her forehead as if this could help her to arrange her thoughts.
“How romantic!” she managed to whisper after a second, making him burst into laughter.
“Isn’t it!” he chuckled. “So how have you been? Is everything alright with you?”
“Sure.” Elena drew a deep breath, giving her situation another thought. Cards on the table or keeping it to herself? “Visited my parents, they are quite happy to have me around.” She answered, biting her nails.
Riku remained quiet for a second. “Alright.” He sounded astound. “Well, so... you went home to visit them, that’s nice.”
Without saying she heard the second half of his sentence. ‘But why did you have to leave now? I’ll only be here for a couple of days!’
“I know that you’ll only be in London for a few more days.” She said in a very soft voice, trying to sound apologetically, which wasn’t hard right at this moment. She felt sorry for leaving him, sorry for somehow playing with him without wanting it and loving him, but not completely. Sighing she closed her eyes again. “Riku?” she whispered, even more softly.
“Yes?” he had adapted the level of his voice to hers. Obviously he was waiting for an explanation, not knowing exactly how to ask her.
“I’m sorry I had to leave.” It was true and she put all her feelings for him into her words. “I never wanted to, especially after last night.”
He let out a low chuckle. “Now I start to feel better.” He admitted. “I thought I had scared you away!”
“Of course not!” she affirmed quickly and sighed. Cards on the table? Again she sighed. She didn’t have another choice but to be at least half honest with him. “I told you about those weird dreams I used to have, remember?”
“Yes?” he answered, making it sound more like a question to signalize her to continue.
“Well, when I met you it stopped all of a sudden, but... when... when I woke up this morning I was... They... Riku, they returned last night, I don’t know why or how, but... I got really scared!”
“Scared about what, love? What did you fear, I mean, the last dream you’ve had wasn’t that bad, right? It was about us, wasn’t it?”
“It was.” She agreed hesitantly. “But last night I... I found out why I had not been dreaming for such a long time.” Drawing a deep breath she rested her back against the wall of a nearby house. “Riku, I... in my dream I fell into a coma, I know it sounds weird, but... I... I didn’t know what to do and I felt that... You know, my mother’s a psychologist and I had told her everything that was going on in my weird brain around Christmas, so... well, she was the first person to go and talk to of course.” Sighing she shook her head. “I’m sorry, Riku, I... I didn’t know what to do, so I ran home like a child, asking Mummy for advice.”
“Don’t feel sorry, love!” Riku sounded calmative. “Those dreams, they seem to scare you a lot and now that you have told me about her profession, I know that your mother’s the best address to help you. We... well, we still have a lot of time after our promotion for the new album, right?” now the tone of his voice became a little helpless. He was lying and he knew that she knew it just as well.
“Hey!” she whispered. “First you need to finish the album, then you need to release it and then it is time for promotion! There must be a little bit of time somewhere in between, right?”
“Right.” There was a little smile in his voice and he sighed. “I like you a lot, you know that, crazy girl?” he whispered all of a sudden, making Elena squirm and bite her nails again. “Same here, sane boy.” She mumbled back. “Can you... please, Riku, can you try not to be worried about me? I... I’m gonna work this out and I will be back in London within a few days. Just... you’ve got my keys, you can stay at my place as long as you want. I’ll be home soon, ok?”
“Ok. Now would you please take care of yourself as long as I am not around?” he suddenly demanded in a joking tone. “I’ll expect you to be back with me within three days, you hear me? I’m leaving for France on Sunday, so you’d better be back on Wednesday!”
“Promise. Wednesday it is.” Elena threw a gaze around before crossing the street. “Now go back to your recordings, I’ll be home with you in no time.”
“Alright, talk to you later, ok? Just gimme a call before you go to sleep, I’ll call you back, ok?”
“Alright. Bye Riku! Say hello to the lads for me, will you?”
“Of course. Speak later! Love you, Elena!”
“Love you too.” She waited for him to hang up the phone and couldn’t help giggling again, when a loud thumping on the door was heard and Riku shouted something vulgar in Sami’s direction just before he hung up.
The evening with her parents became a cosy yet odd thing. They had dinner together and Elena was glad that her father felt too tired to ask too many questions about the “whys” and “hows” of her stay. In a weird way she felt watched by him that night and wondered for a second if her mother had maybe told him about her problems. But he didn’t say a word about it. Later her mother sat with her in her room, trying to analyse the session with Holly and Elena felt bad for lying to her as well. She simply couldn’t tell Cait about the idea that was forming on her mind. Her idea of going back to Samu in every new session to see him, talk to him and hopefully explain everything to him. She even daydreamed about finally being back with him.
Thoughts like these are better kept a secret and Elena knew it as well as she knew that she had to find another way back to him without her hypnosis at Holly’s practice. She had to find her own way to get there and stay as long as she could.
Even though she wasn’t tired at all she asked her mother to leave after a while because she needed some rest. As soon as she was alone, she lay down on her bed, closing her eyes. She felt nervous, uncomfortable but yet excited and happy in a weird way. Nothing in her life seemed logical at this point and Elena seriously asked herself when exactly she had crossed the thin line to madness without completely realizing it. Dream and reality. Reality in her dream. What was real, what unreal? It all felt very realistic. And she couldn’t admit – even to herself... well, especially not to herself – that everything was only a dream.
With a lot of effort she picked up her mobile, calling Riku. He called back immediately, sounding very tired and Elena was glad that she only had to whisper some sweet nonsense to wish him a good night. As soon as she hung up, she buried her face in her hands, trying to slow down her breath and her heartbeat. Samu was waiting for her. She had to find him and tell him everything she knew by now. When the noises of the old house started to fade away Elena felt eased. It wouldn’t take long...
The room she woke up in was the same she had seen during her hypnosis. An ordinary but upscale hospital room with a single bed, a few chairs and two armchairs by the window. It was still dark outside but the sun was about to rise in the dim and foggy morning light. Much to her disappointment she was on her own. The room was empty. Samu was nowhere to be seen. Maybe he was asleep somewhere.
Slowly Elena sat up, throwing a quick gaze around the room. She didn’t even know where exactly she was. Was she still on the Bahamas or had Samu taken her somewhere else? Her bed was modern, reaching every European standard as well as the equipment around her. Carefully she ran her fingers over one of the consoles that was monitoring her heartbeat and vital functions. When she tried to get up from the bed, she suddenly felt her neck aching for a second, touching it watchfully. A CVL? She stared down at her arm, finding a flexible tube that had been put into her shoulder, not peripheral venous as she had expected it, but central venous from her upper arm vein up into the vena subclavia and further up close to her heart. Quickly she checked her own medication and the parental nutrition that was given to her. It was all completely standard and Elena couldn’t help grinning. She would kick that doctor’s ass and tell him to change a few things. Never try to cure a medical researcher, they know best! Slowly she put her feet on the ground, flinching when she felt the cold linoleum. Supported by the drip stand she was connected to, Elena made her way over to the window, flinching again when she suddenly heard the door open.
“Elena!” his voice sounded hoarse and Elena felt her body freezing. It was Riku. Slowly she turned around, raising her hand to keep him away but he misinterpreted the gesture, quickly running over to her to grab her hand and pull her closer. “God, how are you? Is everything alright?” he whispered into her hair. “God, baby, I’m so glad you are back on your feet!”
Stepping back, Elena drew a deep breath. “Where’s Samu?” she managed to whisper, feeling her head spinning when Riku suddenly stepped closer again, his face turning into stone.
“He’s asleep.” he whispered back, putting his hands on her shoulders. “Please, love...”
“I need to talk to him!” again she shied away from him, folding her arms in front of her chest.
There was a glint in his eyes she couldn’t interpret properly. Was it anger? Resignation? For a second his intense eyes became darker and he starred down to the ground, his teeth and fists clenched.
“I also need a few answers, Elena.” He suddenly whispered soundlessly and looked up at her with burning eyes. “And I want them now!”
Elena stumbled backwards when he approached again, his hands reaching out for her. Her back hit the wall and she felt a sharp pain rushing through the back of her head. Suddenly everything became blurry and she tried to push Riku away. “Get off me!” she whispered with all the strength she had left. “Get off! I don’t wanna talk to you!” her voice broke and she stumbled across her own feet. Then all of a sudden it went black around her. Waking up by her own scream, Elena sat up in her bed, wrapping her arms around herself to stop shivering. Jesus Christ! She fell back onto her own bed, wiping her sweaty forehead. Now she was afraid of Riku! She felt another shiver. In a bizarre way she had actually felt threatened by him. Damn it! This had to stop! Yet she had no idea what to do...
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