Chapter 13
Hut by the sea was a
great understatement. It actually was a house with two floors, a large garden
and a roof terrace. When we arrived, the sun was still shining brightly and Riku
pointed at the gates and the high fence. “Even paparazzi-proof.” He said with a
grin and took the bags that he had secretly fetched from mine and his room out
of the trunk of his car. “Make yourself home.” He nodded at the entrance door,
then at the front-pocket of his shorts. “Can you grab the keys and open?”
I couldn’t help
chuckling. This was so him. I did him that little favour and rummaged around
the pocket until (among other things) I got hold of the keys and unlocked the
front door.
“I’ll set our room
and put some stuff into the fridge, why don’t you go upstairs and check out the
terrace? I’ll be with you in a minute.” Smiling he cupped the cheeks of my butt
with his hands.
I returned his kiss,
fighting the urge to grab my mobile, switching it back on and call Samu to
simply yell at him. Trying to dispel the bad thoughts, I took off my shoes and
rushed upstairs. Some sea view would clear my head and maybe the universe
didn’t mean to be cruel. After all Riku had always been a good husband and this
time I would prevent him from cheating and maybe safe my life and our
relationship with it.
Yanking the large
balcony door open, I stepped outside into the soft breeze, breathing deeply.
“I expected you
earlier.” A voice suddenly said and I almost jumped out of my skin, looking
around the huge terrace.
Samu? My stomach did
a quick backflip and I stared at the man that approached me.
He gave me a strange
look, folding his arms over his chest. “So?” he simply said, making me narrow
my eyes.
So? So, you fucking
son of a rat? Completely speechless I stared at him for another brief moment.
“I’ve been waiting
for you at the hotel.” He suddenly stated, making me snort.
“Well, technical you
haven’t.” I shot back. “There were seven half-naked, half-drunk girls in your
room, but I couldn’t find you.”
He let out a little
chuckle. “So that’s the way the wind is blowing. And Riku of course took good
care of you and kept you company because I am a fucking arsehole, fucking
everything female in reach, right?” sarcastically he nodded at me. “What did he
tell you, this little fuck?”
“Nothing.” Trying
hard to keep a dignified expression. “We didn’t talk about you.”
Samu laughed in
surprise, throwing his head back. “Anyway, you are here to spend the night with
him instead of me and I would really like to hear your explanation for that.”
“My explanation?” I
was fuming all of a sudden, the picture of all the girls in his messed up room
still far too close. “You had a little gang-bang last night! And I will not
accept this kind of behaviour or resign myself with the fact that you are
fucking around!”
“I haven’t touched
another woman since you and I…” he fell silent, shaking his head in disbelief.
“He didn’t tell you that I shared rooms with Sami last night, did he? Wow.” Samu
stepped back, running his fingers through his hair. “We had a party, I don’t
deny it, why should I? And then I left my room to those girls and Osmo and I
found another place to sleep.” Gritting his teeth he shook his head. “I have
been waiting for you, Elena! My balls were aching and I was drunk enough to
bang them all last night, but I didn’t! Because I waited for you! Because the
only pussy I want is yours, for fucks sake! And now you…” he gestured towards
the house in my back. “Now you simply… you let him talk you into this shit and
even agree to come here with him for the night?” shaking his head, he looked at
me furiously. “I know quite well that he would be the better man for you, the
better choice. It drove me mad for the last weeks that he has somehow managed
to bond with you, get close with you in his own fucking smart and nice ways,
but I never expected that you would fall for shit like that!”
I was speechless.
Completely out of words, looking at the ranting man in front of me. This
beautiful, wonderful man, my choice in this damn parallel world. I felt guilty
for not taking him to task first thing in the morning. For spending the whole
day with Riku and agreeing to come here with him as if Samu and our time
together had never existed. I felt stupid, guilty and sorry, all at the same
time.
“I kissed him.” I
heard myself say while I was standing there, looking up at him in complete
shock.
Samu groaned in
annoyance, rubbing his face with the palms of his hand.
“Of course you did!”
he barked at me. “Because Rajamaa is giving you the lovey-dovey shit and I am
the bad, unromantic guy that is unable to keep it in his pants!” Turning away
from me, he walked over to a group of chairs by the rim of the terrace.
Without even thinking
about it, I followed him, putting my hand on his back, but he moved away.
“Seriously?” he
looked down at me with his dark brows furrowed. “Rajamaa gets to first base
with you just like that?”
“Well, I assumed that
you had a few homeruns yourself last night and I wasn’t in the mood to face you
and loose it completely because it hurt so much that I wanted to punch you in
your crown jewels!”
“So you simply switch
off the phone and hit it off with Rajamaa?” accusingly he pointed at the house
again. “You come here to let him fuck you even though you told me only
yesterday that you can’t wait to have me back? How’s that even possible?” he
shook his head. “I want an answer right now. Are you mine? I never said it
would be easy, but if you can look me in the eyes and promise me that you are
mine, I am gonna be yours for the rest of my life. But if you only waver for a
second, I am done with you.” His eyes had darkened and he even looked dangerous
right at this very moment, but I didn’t hesitate.
“It’s you. It has
always been you.” I mumbled and tried to swallow down the lump in my throat.
“He might be the
better man.” Samu insisted, grabbing my chin to force me to look in his eyes.
“Maybe.” I whispered,
trying hard to hold his stare. “But I want you.”
He gave me another
intense look, then he stepped back and nodded, still not totally convinced. “If
you ever again feel distrust towards anything that happens in my life, come
talk to me before you run off and think about letting Rajamaa shag you.” Again
he gritted his teeth. “Damn it I can’t believe that he almost… Fuck, Elena, how
could you…” he turned his back on me, walking away a few steps.
I couldn’t blame him.
He was right! I would have slept with Riku in only a few minutes. I would have
done it, believing that it was my destiny, believing that Riku held my future.
Swallowing hard I
tried to make up my mind. I would never forgive myself, wondering if Samu would
manage. After a deep breath I squared my shoulders.
“Tell me one thing
and don’t answer too quickly.” I put my hands on his chest. “Can you forgive
me? Can you forgive me that I kissed him, that I almost slept with him because
I was so shocked by all those girls in your bed and so unbelievably mad at you?
Can you forgive me or will this stand between us from now on? Because if it
does, I will right now leave this place, leave Finland and delete both of your phone
numbers.”
He squinted, stepping
back to look at me closely. For a moment that felt like eternity he fell
silent. Then he only nodded without saying a word.
“There is a fire
escape over there.” He pointed ahead. “Show daring and good will and climb it
down.”
Taken aback I looked
up at him, but he simply pointed to his right again. “Climb down.” He demanded
and I obeyed without any further comment.
When we reached the
ground, he simply grabbed my arm, pulling me along and through the backyard.
“My car is parked a few minutes up the beach, move it.”
We walked for a while
in complete silence. The house was soon out of sight and it became cold as the
sun went down. I shivered mutely, not wanting him to see that I was shaking
both from the cold and the churning feelings inside of me.
He suddenly stopped,
letting out a breath that he had obviously held for quite some time. Looking
closely at me in the dim light of the sunset, he abruptly grabbed my neck.
Shrieking in surprise
I tried to remove his hand, but he held onto me firmly, pulling me closer and
in the direction of a little bench nearby.
“Your slip.” He
simply stated, reaching out his free hand, even shaking me slightly when I
didn’t react right away. “Gimme your slip!” he repeated and I obeyed, watching
him opening and removing his belt.
“I wish that this
would come to use now because I really wanna slap your cute little ass for
almost sleeping with Rajamaa.” He said very seriously, slapping his hand with
the hard leather before he pulled down his pants and sat down on the bench with
me on his lap.
Another small cry
escaped my lips and I tried to bite my tongue to prevent myself from making
another noise when he pushed himself inside of me forcefully.
Clasping my neck
again, he made me look at him while he was moving my hips up and down. It was
painful, I wasn’t ready for it and so confused that I was torn between hitting
him and crying. I grabbed his arms for balance, trying my best to hold his
stare but I didn’t succeed.
Looking at him was
impossible right now. Maybe I deserved to be punished for what I had done, but
I couldn’t believe that he now in fact punished me by having sex with him.
Grabbing hold of his
arm again, I actually felt tears welling up. I couldn’t breathe properly,
feeling a lump in my throat. What was this damn universe doing to me?
Samu stopped moving
all of a sudden, wrapping his arms around me. With a low sigh he buried his
face on my neck. He sat like this without a word, still breathing deep and
heavily. When he lifted his head again, he looked up at me, putting his hand on
my face.
“I can’t even
anger-fuck you.” He whispered. “I am so angry right now, but…” he sighed again,
lowering his gaze. “Do you want me to take you back to the house?” he asked
hesitantly, softly rubbing my thighs that were still straddling his lap.
I was fighting my
tears and shook my head slowly. “No.” I croaked with a lot of effort.
He let his hands
travel up to my face and lifted it cautiously to meet my eyes. “I am so angry
and jealous and…” he exhaled. “God, Elena.” Shaking his head in disbelief, he
pulled me down to rest his lips on my forehead. “I’m so… I’m sunk! I know you
didn’t sleep with him, but I feel betrayed by you.” His grip around me
tightened.
“I never wanted to
feel this way.” He suddenly said in a very low voice. “Never. Not about you or
any other person in my life. I never wanted to fall so hard and now you …” When
he lifted his head again, his green eyes almost pierced through me, making me
feel pain that wasn’t mine deep inside my soul. “And now …” he shrugged pensively,
staring down the windy beach.
I felt my legs
wrapping themselves around him tightly. “Samu.” I whispered into his ear,
shoving his hair back to kiss my way down his neck. My lips caused goose bumps
on his skin and I returned his embrace, slowly starting to move my hips again.
With my hands in his hair I managed to pull his head back and make him look at
me.
“I chose you.” I
whispered, kissing his lips to make the sceptical look on his face disappear.
“In whatever version of reality, I wanna be yours and only yours.”
“No maybes, no
chances!” he demanded, sitting up a little to grab my hips.
“None.” I looked deep
into his eyes. “It will always be you.” I promised, hoping against hope that I
had finally found my place, my home and my reality with this decision.
Somewhere deep inside of me, I was scared that the universe would hit me again
and that I would all of a sudden wake up being my old self. Being married to a
man that was no more than a fantastic friend, longing for the one man that kept
rejecting and hurting me by screwing around.
“I am yours, Samu.” I
whispered shakily, burying my face on his neck and praying for the universe to
finally cut the crap and stop interfering.
He smiled at me,
kissing me keenly. “Now you are.” He whispered back.
Epilogue
Sometimes I wake up
during the night, shaking like a leaf. I somehow know that I don’t belong here,
don’t belong to this place, this time. And every now and then in the darkest of
hours during my nights it freaks me out completely. With my heart pounding in
my ears I then stare into nowhere, watching the man by my side sleeping.
I am still here.
Still with Samu. And sometimes I find spontaneous refuge in his embrace even
though he is asleep.
But I’m afraid, I
don’t belong here.
And maybe some random
day, I will disappear as unexpectedly as I had once appeared. Another accident
maybe. Or maybe I will simply wake up again one morning and find myself back
home. Another home. A good one perhaps, but not the place where my heart
belongs.
With a throbbing
somewhere in the pit of my stomach I listen to the silence around me. Samu is
deep asleep, I can clearly hear his steady and slow breathing. I’m still here.
Carefully I cuddle
closer to his warm shoulder and shut my eyes firmly.
I’m still here …
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The End
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